... I was beyond myself. Being with 3 of 4 deareset friends in the world, how can anyone be just themselves.

I love everyone just as who they are. But most people are not who they are. They are too smart, too confident, too defensive, too caring, too just, too humble, too cool, too selfless, too competent, too well-read, too well-traveled, too well-groomed, too educated, too civilized, too polished or unpolished, too independent, too innocent, too pure, too serious, too funny, too deep, too free, too knowledgeable, too ahead, too content, too happy, too loving, too good, ... to be who they are. Most people are not who they are almost all the time....

Here is the theme of my travel stories to China--exploring the real people, and finding the few, or the many, of who they still are, in this ancient land.

Today I had my first introduction to Augustine, when I listened to a lecture (out of 12) about him. For a moment I felt I was being transported to that light again, that light, that state of joy, of awe, of wholeness, of eternity, of knowing, of being above me, beyond me, simply me, of home, again. It was just a short moment, and I turned away. I did not have time for home yet. Two nights ago I made up my mind to pack up and go on a journey again, a journey of search, a journey of seeing the world once more and getting a renewed perspective of myself, a journey of adventure and unknown territory and hard work and frustration and failure and suffering and loss and discovery and redemption.

I know what "home" feels like--it's the place I want to be because it's the only place I belong. But I don't want to be home yet. I am not ready. (Why do I never do anything that's good for me?) I know the danger of getting home too easily. Or rather, I know the danger of a false sense of comfort and security and finality and joy, which must be reasoned continually and wearily. Today perhaps I was only having a glimpse of what lies ahead of me on my journey, or just an image of the light and the warmth of the real home. Home is not a place one finds and can stays lazily forever. It seems that home changes as we grow, and therefore we constantly need to find our way back there again. (Maybe that's why even the Pope and the Dalai Lama need a lot of time every day to pray and meditate--they are negotiating a way home too.) For a while, when I sat back "comfortably", thinking I was enjoying being finally at home after the hardest journey imaginable, I was actually wandering aimlessly, away, and losing sight of home. Perhaps home is not the final destination. It is only a direction. It is recognition, a reward. It is a place to refuel, to reconfirm, to remind.

As I am writing this, it occurs to me that Augustine also has similar comment on this (I am definitely paraphrasing from the tiny bit I've heard about him, so forgive me if I am totally wrong): Sin is to love something that makes you unhappy; it's when you wander too far away from home. So it seems to me that I was in love with "home" which made me unhappy, because it was no longer home when I became too attached to the "idea" of home but not the essence.

I want to think about it more, but I really don't have time now. I am traveling tomorrow to Pasadena, to see two of my most loved friends. And I also want to finish the last 100 pages of Sophie's Choice, soon, to learn about my obsession with my previous "home". That home was so good, so glorious, so powerful, so total, so rewarding, but now it has made me dull and low and indifferent. "I have fallen, long and steady, blind and confident, and I am lost", I wrote two days ago. "I am sick of it!" I was ready to say goodbye, but I want to leave first, before I return.

I shall return.

I have fallen. Long and steady. Blindly. Confidently. Guiltily. I am lost.

Since coming back from the Silk Road trip, I haven't done anything at all that really pleases me. Surely I have organized some pictures; surely I have built a new website and installed ads; surely I am keeping up with my sonnets and Tao readings. But none of these gives much genuine joy. I do these things out of an impulse, out of avoidance of something else, out of a sense of pride to prove that I can be someone who only lives in the moment. If I truely live in the moment, need I prove it to anyone? To myself? To the self that I think is mine??

I have been blinded again!

Blinded by a new "self" that grows out of the awakening experience. This self is not me, but it is so smart and cunning that it takes the form of a wise one, an arrogant Taoist, an carefree Ah-San. It takes over my life. It makes me think I am free but in fact it imprisons me. It makes me think that I am above life and all, but in fact it paralizes me. I am not free. I am not above anything. This new self has found a way to fool me, to program me, much more efficiently than any older forms of selves. I have lost control of my life.

The self (I don't want to say "I", since I am still the same, only the self that "I" assume is changing and doing the damage) is indulging in extremely short-term pleasure seeking activities. Not even extremely short-term, but of time with NO duration, or even Null duration (meaning having no measure of time, rather than having zero time). I suspect the pleasures are even negative in duration, but I seem to take pride in justifiying my action afterward.

I am getting sick of it all. As FST said last time that the only way to stop a bad course is to fall down, deep and far, and get really really sick of it. I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling so wise about myself and believing in it. I am sick of unorganized life. I am sick of the absolutely non-existence of delayed gratificaiton in my life--I should know that the longer delayed the gratification, the more satisfying it is. I have been on small, constant doses of "drugs" to dull my intellects and my heart. I can no longer think or feel.

I am sick of it!

There must be a change. But how? And from where? What about? No laptop at home? What about making contact with at least one real person everyday? What about keeping a private diary? What about picking up a new sport? What about making only promises I can keep, and stop engaging in too many things? This last one I am crossing out. It is NOT a solution.

Sometimes, especially now, a sense of direction is good.

For once and again the question--if I am really happy, how come I don't know? How come I am not overflowing with happiness? How come I need to convince myself that I am happy?

Abandon the pursuit of short-term pleasure. Focus on the body and soul, and be healthy, be worthy of my life, and be good.

> Hey, I have a quickee Astrophysics question which I don't know the current answer to. If I pick any direction in the universe and keep traveling in a straight line will I come back to where I started? Assuming my speed is not a limiting factor..

I am really not an astrophysics or even a physics! I am just faking it. Thus I am the wrong person to consult with such astrophysics questions. :) I am turning into a metaphysicist, which is much easier because of my Chinese background. So in that regard, my answer would be, yes, you will get back to where you start. From my own metaphysical findings, all things are in some sort of cycles, so one always gets back to where one starts, but every time not exactly the same, always a little different. I think somehow there's a physical explanation to this....

> Is the SETI a waste of time because they are looking for the wrong types of patterns in signals from deep-space, or they are not looking in the right place/wrong frequency?

I think (not as a scientist, but as myself) that the types of patterns in signals and place/frequency they choose to look for in the deep-space is scientifically reasonable, so it's possible for them to discover something, but highly unlikely, at least for now. Also, astrophysicsts or scientists don't necessarily have any privilege in this type of discoveries--why should they? But as true as any other endeavors, if we don't try, we will never get anything, anywhere.

> What about the question of what does it mean to be or have intelligence? I hope that is a question that we deserve the answer to, because I am very interested in that one..

Of course we should try to answer this question about what intelligence really is/means. But I think this question is very open-ended. I don't know whose answer to this question is definitive, but I am sure different people have different answers. I think in a way (philosophically? sorry again), "intelligence" is a human defined value, and like most values (such as "smart", "good", "useful"), it's quite subjective. Seriously, I think "intelligence" means the ability to learn, to evaluate and cope in order to get where it sets out to go. But first of all one must know how to clearly define where one wants to go or achieve, and then the ability to get there is an indicator of one's intelligence, although one doesn't necessarily get there to be intelligent (just the ability).

You are in the artificial intelligence business, so you must have a lot of very interesting thoughts on this. Definitely a very interesting question to explore!

-- email exchange with ME

I think SETI is a waste of time, but in an interesting way. Better SETI than many other things people do to fool themselves (or to get funding). I seriously don't think there is life anywhere else in the solar system, but I don't doubt there are life elsewhere in the universe. And I don't think we humans should find any extra-terrestrial life soon. My rational is such: I am sometimes quite pessimistic about human beings as a whole (I am locally optimistic and globally pessimistic), so I think humans in this century do not deserve to make discoveries that big--of finding life elsewhere. It would be too easy, and we are not ready. We have recently evolved to become too dependent on and blinded by the power of science and technology, and have ignored many other aspects of being human. Am I too radical? I don't know. But hey, I think there is a not-so-slight possibility that some ancient (or future, but time traveled) civilizations built stuff underneath (or even above!) the surface of Mars, but because of our limited imagination (and consciousness) we are unable to notice them right now. I also think there is a very likely possibility that we are living among the beings from elsewhere, and they have been trying desperately to make themselves known to us, but somehow we are looking for them in the wrong dimensions and ignoring their clues. Something like that. If I weren't so lazy, I would write my ideas into a sci-fi.

my friend Dave's artwork:

> Now I have a question for you. The problem is this: now I know that no matter what I do, it is of no importance as long as I am enjoying myself. But not all things are equal in "values". Different things bring different consequences.

Consequences and "values" are different babies. Indeed, consequences vary with the input. Like is often the case, master the input, and you will master the output.

> So how is one to live in the present when one can foresee at least some of the immediate future?

Entirely a matter of (mental) attitude.

> For example, if I only want to stay in bed and read a book, and there is this music study I want to do so I can get into music school, but in the same time I have my own work to do which I come to hate. How is the anticipation of the future coming into making decisions of the present? Of what duration into the future should one investigate? And what about the past? One cannot completely disregard the past, because the past also tells about the one's tendency and preference in dealing with certain things.

All, or most, is in the perception (of other people). Say you work tremendously, but other people think you do nothing (or vice versa, for that matter). Reality, for them, is that you do nothing, isn't it?

Vice-versa, do nothing, but give the perception of working tremendously, and that is what *their* reality will be. Makes sense, no?

As for the philosophical issues, integrate future and past, but live in the present, following the inclinations of your heart, as well as your intent. ("Intent", now, that's another subject. ;)

> How to best live in the moment and let the past and future integrated in but not interference with the present? How to choose one's priorities, if nothing is more important than any thing else?

The foregoing was also the answer to this question.

-- email excerpt from master

I've come to think that reading history can make a person a little wiser, but also quite more painful. It's like a yoga for the mind, stretching of the mind. The other day my colleagues and I were discussing how to deal with the pain and wounds of history. One said "stoicism" can make one calm and successful. A chinese friend said he likes "Taoism". But looking up, I found stoicism and taoism are really very very similar in spirit, although they are western and oriental philosophies.

You must be right about the similarity between stoicism and Taoism. These days I try to study one chapter of Tao Te Ching everyday and write my own translations or interpretations. Many chapters are about being calm and being detached. Today I have chapter 44, which includes these lines:

Too much attachment will end in great loss;
Too much saving will result in great expense.
Knowing contentment leads to peace,
Knowing satisfaction brings harmony,
And longevity.

老子道德經第四十四章

名與身孰親　身與貨孰多　得與亡孰病
是故甚愛必大費　多藏必厚亡
故知足不辱　知止不殆　可以長久

Depending on what one wants to do.... some people want to experience pain and suffering.

I think learning about history is like traveling in time. In the end one always understands more about one's own position in the universe. This understanding sometimes is painful and sometimes is joyful, but it brings one closer to Truth. It is said that reaching Truth will set one free.

Different philosophies are just different aspects of the same thing, and are therefore the different realities that different people (philosophers) project on Truth. Nothing is wrong.... nothing is right.... only different.

-- with HB

我觉得，幸福这个字，只有在幸福中的人才会想起来用，而且大用特用，用得又勤又爽，豪不吝啬；不在幸福中的人总会对这个词持及其怀疑的态度，即使从前也曾经倡导过幸福。换句话说，什么事都是一阵阵的，都有自己的节奏，幸福也是。

>adagio wrote:
>不是这样（虽然节奏这个提法很好），是世上没有幸福这个东西。它既不存在，找当然是找不到的。那些以为在幸福之中的人其实也不过是在经历一种假象。

是想用英文的 season, time 等字，everything has its season; there is a time for everything, 之类的说法，中文找不到相应的词，觉得节奏这个字很浪漫。再换句话说，every idea has its believer; there is a contemplator for every idea. :)

说着玩儿的。高兴就成，管它这个那个的呢。:)

Sometimes it is fun to wonder what have happened to my life if I had chosen something else at some time. But I would never know now, all I know is this current path that I'm taking.

F said to me today again that "to live is to choose". So you have chosen your own path and you live out all your choices. Nobody knows what life would be if one has chosen differently in the past. Different choices lead to different paths and different lives, and all we can do is to always start at where we are, and make the "best" decisions based on the current reality. I have sometimes wondered if back then I dated C and what my life would become. I might not be the same, but I would still be myself.

-- email excerpt to R

爱的确是比较容易蛊惑人的，大概在爱中的诗人艺术家们中把爱美化了，以至于人人都以为爱应该是如何如何的。没有爱，就觉得挺淡的。当然淡也有淡的好，不可能总是烧呀烧的。

>adagio wrote:
>能不能画出漂亮的曲线，又不把自己缠进去呢？这真是难人所难。这不是凡人有资格面对的问题。留给圣人和神吧。

这个解决办法上次好像已经讨论过了：Immersed, yet, aware of the world's ultimate nature, and, therefore, detached. 就当给自己演一场比较精彩的戏。

>adagio wrote:
>>阿姗 wrote:
>>当然淡也有淡的好，不可能总是烧呀烧的。
>
>ah? what happened to your genius and your fire? :) if one has to love, firce fire is a better choice I reckon, at least one can be burned to ash in no time, while in a chronic fire you are cooked so slowly that you have to feel every bit of the pain. :)

这谁又有的选呢？这些火啊水啊的，真正来临了，谁能抵挡？来了又去了，谁又能挽留，谁又能问个为什么？除非在地下挖个洞藏起来，可又有火山又有地震的。人的命运根本自己无法控制。不是宣扬宿命论，只是说，我们的思索，我们自以为有选择的生命，在宇宙宏观来看，是很渺小而可笑的，跟那些忙于储存冬粮的小松鼠一样。烈烧也好，慢烧也好，不烧也好，跳出一层来看，随遇而安吧。

We must whatever methods we can to understand the movement of the universe around us and time our actions so that we are not fighting the currents, but moving with them.

>>Immersed, yet, aware of the world's ultimate nature, and, therefore, detached. 就当给自己演一场比较精彩的戏。
>
>Many times I think, when you are too aware of the world's ultimate nature, it's hard to have any desire to get immersed. :)

我想，每个真正看清世界真相的，都会找到一种人生态度去投入的，不然就不是真正地醒悟，真正的了解。这种醒悟不是理念上的，而是完全的，天人合一过的。

>Then it's even harder to make the drama successful in which you are actor and audience at same time. :)

小心，不要让名利心、成败心不知不觉地潜浮上来。对成败可以看，但一定要看得象戏那么轻。人的痛苦来源就是把自己和自己所看重的事情看得太重，给每件事加了一个价值，再反回来衡量自己。要知道，人类的道德观、价值观，在宇宙来讲，也是很渺小可笑的。

I want to learn about the Catholic these days. I read Graham Greene's novel The Power and the Glory and also listened to Pope John Paul II's biography. I am very interested in knowing about the suffering and the church preaching. Why would a religion base its faith on suffering? Under what social circumstances? How is it relevant to our present society? Which religion/faith is more appropriate to our day? Which people are likely to become good catholic? To my shallow understanding, Taoism is a lot about the nature and surrender. Buddhism is about escape the cycle (and avoid the suffering). Confucius is about following the social orders and find fulfillment in being part of a big social machine. Science is about concentrating on measurable facts and disregarding any trace of human nature. I don't know too much about other religions. Maybe I will read something about them and make my own judgment on this subject. It seems quite interesting.

Don't we all love Gibran? So gentle and so transparent. He must have been awakened....

.... Maybe he is just a mirror that reflects the world into a condensed image and I love to see the world through him.

So, sometimes I wonder that I* has a better version of my soul.

Why should I* have a better version of your soul? Maybe at the present, you two occupies very similar soul-scape (a word I coined), and you are seeing who you are from a different angle. Before meeting him, you have lost the way to find yourself. Now he is like a light that shines upon your path and leads you to yourself.

I was trying to write an encouraging note to my friend. Although I am in my low energy state, I can still write very wise and enlightened words to people. It's rather remarkable how a brief glimpse of the truth will be a source of seemingly infinite and profound wisdom.

That's how it works. ;)

What do I want to "work" on? I want to start delving into music. I want to have the courage and confidence to get acquainted to the music professors. I want to get into the music school so I can devote a major part of my day to something that I want to learn. I want to learn to have discipline over myself so I can use it when I need to.

Enlightenment.... I don't think I can be more enlightened right now. I am still reading and writing my own version of Tao Te Ching, a chapter a day. I have done about half of the chapters. I think next time when I get enlightened again, I should get the book about my own experience done and get over with it. I was talking with my friend who is really into enlightenment and stuff, and has been practicing yoga for 3 years. He believed that of all the people he knew (including his yoga masters), I were the only person who had had the experience. So you are right, that there are a lot of people interested in this subject but many are very off the track. I should like to make my contribution toward this human endeavor. I just wish I were not so lazy and undisciplined.

Talking about loneliness, I think understand you completely. I used to feel that way all the time, that loneliness is a matter of the soul. Sometimes I felt even more alone when I was with another person. I think we all enjoy different types of companies, of the mind, of the heart, of the physical presence, of fun, of daily life, but these companies are never eternal. It is because the mind, the heart, the body, and other "possessions", are not our true self, but only what we temporarily occupy in our life, and these things change over our lifetime. Sometimes we mistaken these lesser togetherness as something more meaningful than they really are. I guess the trick is to realize that everyone is always alone, but in the great scheme of the universe, we are always together as one big entity. I often think, in my more enlightened days, I have seen that I am one with the whole world, so I don't regard me as a single person who is separated from others and longing for togetherness. Sometimes I take myself less seriously and think, who am I to demand others to understand me.

There are always times that we feel alone, and times that we feel connected. Ups and downs, highs and lows, fast and slow, different shades of colors,.... I don't think anything about life really last forever. I am in a low state right now and I don't even have the energy or the desire to pull myself out. I try to do things that I enjoy (I just finished reading a novel today), not the things I feel I should do. What else can I do but the things that Ah-San in her low state would do?! But I know that the time will come when I will rise again and ride atop the waves.

======
I read this passage of Gibran some years ago. It's rather gloomy:

Life is an island in an ocean of loneliness, an island whose rocks are hopes, whose trees are dreams, whose flowers are solitude, and whose brooks are thirst.

Your life, my fellow men, is an island separated from all other islands and regions. No matter how many are the ships that leave your shores for other climes, no matter how many are the fleets that touch your coast, you remain a solitary island, suffering the pangs of loneliness and yearning for happiness. You are unknown to your fellow men and far removed from their sympathy and understanding.

....

Your spirit's life, my brother, is encompassed by loneliness, and were it not for that loneliness and solitude, you would not be *you*, nor would I be *I*. Were it not for this loneliness and solitude, I would come to believe on hearing your voice that it was my voice speaking; or seeing your face, that it was myself looking into a mirror.

An aesthetic principle of the Counter-Reformation sacred style is that the music should be serene, objective, and beautifully proportioned. Jeppesen's remarks are appropriate in this regard:

The linear treatment of the Palestrina music reveals a marked inner coherence and an understanding of what is, in the truest sense, organic, which is indeed sought after in every style species. It abhors the rough and inelegant and rejoices in the free and natural. It avoids strong, unduly sharp accents and extreme contrasts of every kind and expresses itself always in a characteristically smooth and pleasing manner that may seem at first somewhat uniform and unimposing but that soon reveals a richly shaded expression of a superior culture.... An absolute, completely free balance between the elements is required; no one element could be emphasized at the expense of another; everything must work together smoothly and harmoniously. (Jeppesen, Counterpoint)