I find myself more and more religious these days.

Read some of The Razor's Edge. It is not a very deep novel, and the character Larry Darrell is rather flat, but it is more like a story of me, a story about a seeker. The purpose of these books is only for seekers like me to say, "I recognize this in my search", so I won't feel alone anymore.

It is maybe coincidence or maybe it is not, but I was learning some basics of Hinduism a couple of days ago, and Larry's account of his learning in India makes a lot sense to me. I read and understand Hinduism without any difficulties, as if I have known it already. I smile to myself and my mind is racing in the universe. Yes, I can say with certitude that I have truly found IT. Every bit of new knowledge only confirms with my belief.

It is interesting to note how I become religious. My path is a rather odd one. Grew up in a communist environment, I was a most ardent believer of Marxism among my generation. But at the same time Marxism teaches me to think objectively and to question vigorously. Somehow I was attracted to the simplicity and beauty of math and physical science, and I realized that physics could answer certain metaphysical questions. So I went to study physics. Now I am able to say that science doesn't give us all answers and will never do.

I had always been an atheist but I was open to things I did not understand, so I became an agnostic, and then I became even vaguer--a non-conformist in faith. Growing up in China where Taoism and Buddhism are in the grammar of the language, in the fabric of life, in the air and on the ground, I inevitably developed a flexible mind. I was open and skeptical of all things. I had been struggling for years to find a goal in life. I knew I was looking for something, but I did not know what. The search had been difficult because of the unknown, but it was probably better this way that I was not looking for "God" or "Tao" or anything that had a name. I was brave and truthful to myself. I constantly had doubts and questions about myself. I didn't believe science had all the answers, but I did not put down science. I knew science could lead us to certain truth, but there were more to Truth than what a small portion of the human population set their heart or mind to do. I thought, it should not be right if only half a dozen string theorist could understand the true reality of the universe while everyone else depends on their "learning". And of course this could be said to religion as well. And to arts. There must be something that unifies all human experience.

The "enlightenment" was unexpected. An event, an experience. At the time, I understood all the things I have learned before, and unified all my beliefs. Now, every new thing I learn, I become more enlightened. I am not gaining more Truth, since Truth is only one. I am gaining better understanding of Truth through gaining more knowledge. Knowledge is probably the only thing that can be accumulated and has a chronological significance, in the sense that we now *know* more than people in the past. On the other hand, wisdom cannot be accumulated. People in the past could gain just as much wisdom and understanding of the Universe as us in the present, or perhaps more, because in their search they were less distracted by the illusion of knowledge. We in the present era often mistake knowledge for wisdom.

I think it is still true the mind is a good way to search for Infinite, at least for me. One important thing is, if you don't know something, do not make up your mind to say that you are for it or against it. Be truthful. There is nothing wrong if one has doubts. The more doubts one has, the closer one is to the answers, because a closed mind cannot learn. Be doubtful, be open, be empty, but be strong, because one day you will find yourself filled with Truth and joy. I think some Zen masters also said something like this....

Yesterday I had dinner with a Chinese couple. The husband is a physics Ph.D. student, and the wife is still deciding what to do with her life. I wanted to encourage her to do whatever her heart wanted to do (she mentioned landscape gardening) and not worry too much about the practical side of things. Her husband wanted her to study computer. Trying to save her, I got into arguments with him. He was so scientific that he refused to think outside of his system. While we were talking, the girl became more and more excited and her eyes were shining with delight. She said she couldn't truly understand what I was saying but she felt she had glimpses of something truly wholly and wonderful. She felt indescribable joy. What could she have realized in my speech? Only Truth can have that effect on anyone. So again, I know I am with the Truth.

To be truly enlightened and free, one has to be detached from everything--money, ideas, self, desires.... And this detachment, or the break of human bondage, is not something I always want to do yet. Sometimes I am afraid of detachment. I fear when I am detached, I run the risk of being lost instead of being free. Is this something I can actively work on? Perhaps that's why many enlightened still need to meditate or to pray, in order to get in touch with the Absolute.

I am still finding my true temperament, but I don't attach any importance to whatever I do as a career or a job. This is a liberation.

I was reading a Taoism website (in Chinese) and it talked about four different kinds of men. (1) Ordinary one: born and die with the laws of the universe; move with the moon and the stars; encounter good and bad luck, happy and sad feelings; cannot be in charge; (2) Wise one: understand and live with the laws of the universe; know how to find happiness and avoid bad luck; do not go into cycles of ups and downs; (3) Saintly one: or prophet, have vision of the laws of the universe; add to the goodness and reduce the badness of the world; have positive effect on all livings; (4) Holy one: understand all are manifestations of the laws of the universe, everything is empty, nothing born nothing die, nothing dirty nothing clean, nothing gain nothing lose; detached, useless, live with the universe, travel in space and time, free.

I am no longer an Ordinary one. I think being a Saintly one is good, and probably suitable to my temperament. I shall have more compassion and more responsibility toward people. And I shall learn to write well so I can tell people what I know and give my fellow travelers some guidance or comfort in their search for happiness and peace.


『凡 夫』
隨緣生滅於世間，受天命主宰，
隨著月圓月缺，物換星移，
得順逆之境、悲歡之情、苦樂之果，
遭榮辱輪迴，作不了主。

『智 者』
明天地萬物運作之道，得以順應天理、
遇事避凶趨吉，不墮興衰循環。

『聖 人』
行事預見天命，隨機順勢而作，
增善減惡，德被蒼生，萬物皆興。

『至 人』
了悟因果業報、興衰生滅，皆自然法則顯現。
諸法空相，不生不滅、不垢不淨、不增不減。
是故能夠萬境不染、無功無業、不墮輪迴，
逍遙遨遊宇宙之間，穿梭時空，來去無滯。