I have fallen. Long and steady. Blindly. Confidently. Guiltily. I am lost.

Since coming back from the Silk Road trip, I haven't done anything at all that really pleases me. Surely I have organized some pictures; surely I have built a new website and installed ads; surely I am keeping up with my sonnets and Tao readings. But none of these gives much genuine joy. I do these things out of an impulse, out of avoidance of something else, out of a sense of pride to prove that I can be someone who only lives in the moment. If I truely live in the moment, need I prove it to anyone? To myself? To the self that I think is mine??

I have been blinded again!

Blinded by a new "self" that grows out of the awakening experience. This self is not me, but it is so smart and cunning that it takes the form of a wise one, an arrogant Taoist, an carefree Ah-San. It takes over my life. It makes me think I am free but in fact it imprisons me. It makes me think that I am above life and all, but in fact it paralizes me. I am not free. I am not above anything. This new self has found a way to fool me, to program me, much more efficiently than any older forms of selves. I have lost control of my life.

The self (I don't want to say "I", since I am still the same, only the self that "I" assume is changing and doing the damage) is indulging in extremely short-term pleasure seeking activities. Not even extremely short-term, but of time with NO duration, or even Null duration (meaning having no measure of time, rather than having zero time). I suspect the pleasures are even negative in duration, but I seem to take pride in justifiying my action afterward.

I am getting sick of it all. As FST said last time that the only way to stop a bad course is to fall down, deep and far, and get really really sick of it. I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling so wise about myself and believing in it. I am sick of unorganized life. I am sick of the absolutely non-existence of delayed gratificaiton in my life--I should know that the longer delayed the gratification, the more satisfying it is. I have been on small, constant doses of "drugs" to dull my intellects and my heart. I can no longer think or feel.

I am sick of it!

There must be a change. But how? And from where? What about? No laptop at home? What about making contact with at least one real person everyday? What about keeping a private diary? What about picking up a new sport? What about making only promises I can keep, and stop engaging in too many things? This last one I am crossing out. It is NOT a solution.

Sometimes, especially now, a sense of direction is good.

For once and again the question--if I am really happy, how come I don't know? How come I am not overflowing with happiness? How come I need to convince myself that I am happy?

Abandon the pursuit of short-term pleasure. Focus on the body and soul, and be healthy, be worthy of my life, and be good.