The Four Agreements

Be impeccable with your word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't take anything personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

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I read this a few years ago and just got another copy from the library last week. Now it's a good time to review these principles.

J: i am reading another book by Dalai Lama....
ah-san: wow.. .you will become buddhism in no time
J: dunno.
J: but probably very soon.
ah-san: i can be one, but i just don't know all the terms
ah-san: so many words that i have to learn. but i know all the meanings
ah-san: it's like using a different way to illustrate the same truth
J: I just never read those books before, so they open some curtains...
J: i read bible before...
J: about 10 years ago.
ah-san: bible is more difficult to read
ah-san: it's very misleading if one is not careful
ah-san: i mean, the difficulties comes from misreading
ah-san: i think the bible makes it too simple for common people, and then they don't realize the metaphors
J: Even you know all the metaphors, it still take time to really understand them.
ah-san: i think the bible's metaphors are kind of shallow
ah-san: so people always think there's a god/guy
J: and I am reading the translation of Chuangtze by Li YuTang.
J: It is interesting, cos I never read the english version before.
J: It is amazing to see that Chuangzi knows so much...
J: from life to death, from love to common life...
ah-san: he had great inspiration, and he had great talents
J: mmm, I got a lot of inspirations from reading those books.
J: I have read Chuangzhi 10 years ago.
J: And I found my own progresses when I read those books.
J: yeah. those are my roots.
ah-san: you are a natural taoist too.
ah-san: me too
ah-san: but i think the ultimate is in buddhism
ah-san: being a taoist is very easy for you and me
J: I don't know much about buddhism.. But I will learn more.
J: So far, I like all I have read about buddhism.
ah-san: i think (and i feel) buddhism has everything
ah-san: taoist is more like for smart people
ah-san: buddhism is more for good people. (i think)
ah-san: taoism makes me feel excited and also peaceful.
ah-san: buddhism touches the heart
ah-san: compassion and love and forgiveness
J: I like taoism, but I also feel the need to do something for the society.
J: For me, the contribution for the society is very important.
J: I want to help other people...
ah-san: these are not the essence of taoism. taoism is about balance and harmony and ...
ah-san: also i think buddhism has some very beautiful ideas...
ah-san: i think i am natural taoist, but i should try harder in this life
J: so, i said i like taoism, but can not be a taoist all the time.
J: buddhism emphasize the serve, the endurance, the discipline, the higher and deeper existence.
ah-san: hmm... sounds like it provides more fulfillment for you and me
J: in my understanding, i think good suffering for a higher purposes can provide long lasting happiness.
ah-san: that's one reason i am attracted to catholics
ah-san: but catholics in general is not very deep
J: i still feel very alien about catholics...
ah-san: there's a book "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, very famous. his answer is also related to suffering
ah-san: he was a jew in Nazi concentration camp
ah-san: it would be interesting that he comes to the similar conclusion about suffering and meaning of life and happiness
ah-san: interesting to see how this man who had to suffer so much came to the answer
J: so, i read some books about zen, buddhism, ....
J: i watched the movie, the last samurai
J: so, it also emphasize something about the war and peace...
J: I feel myself is very near the eastern philosophy though.
ah-san: i am too. i am just very curious about catholics
ah-san: i think it is good for me, all the disciplines
J: i am very curious about buddhism, zen...
J: the masters in Zen always convince people by giving examples...
ah-san: i think zen is more like taoism
ah-san: it's more about inner peace..
ah-san: it's for the mind
ah-san: zen, taoism... are more for the mind than for the heart
J: but i like the way they talk...
ah-san: when you say you like the way they talk, you are already attracted to it mentally
J: yeah, maybe, for a short time.
J: and i think without disciplines, we can not accomplish anything great in our lives.
ah-san: and i am always too "smart" and let myself get away with things too easily
J: so, i will begin to build some disciplines.
J: and practise them.
ah-san: it's so easy to just talk but so hard to develop discipline
J: what is a difference between a great man and an ordinary person?
J: mmm... i think a great man is a person fully developed, conquered some difficulties...
J: i just feel that I am trapped in something...
J: because, i feel that i am lack of disciplines...
J: so, I have weaker and weaker will-powers..
J: i really need to have disciplines in my life.
ah-san: well, the first step is to recognize it. so now you know and i know, then we can start working on it
J: yeah, but i always feel that you are not the person to discuss disciplines...
ah-san: i am not... but i understand
ah-san: we can both learn to have discipline
ah-san: it can be very rewarding
J: but how?
J: i think the first step to disciplines is the sacrifice.
J: see, if i want to get up earlier, I have to sleep earlier, then sacrifice talking here...
J: and i think that the reason that we do not have disciplines is that we do not care!
ah-san: mike says, he just imagine the pain of the bad consequence
ah-san: then he will do the right thing
ah-san: you are right about that we don't care that much
ah-san: there are things we are more disciplined about because we care
ah-san: so we have to ask ourselves, why don't we care about certain things?
ah-san: like, i care about the canoe trip, so i read books and make plans
J: i care my family, so i phone them almost everyday.
ah-san: mike cares about volleyball so he goes to gym all the time.
J: L care about me, so he quit the computer games.
ah-san: so, why do i not do my writing often?
J: so, why i stop writing my papers?
ah-san: i don't care about wasting my life, i guess
ah-san: so that's very very very bad
J: it seems that i care about wasting my life, but in fact, i don't care.
J: it seems that i think i can live 1000 years.
ah-san: hmmm... see, that's the bad side effect of taoism
ah-san: it teaches one not to care so much
ah-san: but it is not active
J: when i say that i don't care about wasting my time,
J: i don't really take good care of myself.
ah-san: yeah.. should realize that life is very precious
J: life is such a wonderful thing.
ah-san: need to treat this chance with care
ah-san: maybe you can think that your life is like a baby's life
ah-san: you will be very caring for your baby, because it's like a gift
ah-san: but your own life is also a gift
ah-san: but somehow we don't see that way most of the time
ah-san: i know i really don't care about wasting my life....
ah-san: it's probably because when i was younger, i worried too much, and now i want to not worry. but i must have over-done it
J: for example, if you would like to have a short trip, you do not need to plan and you will finish it anyway.
J: but if you want to have a long trip, you need a plan, and follow the plan.
J: otherwise, you will never reach the place you want to go.
J: life is the same.
J: if you want to write good stuff for example, you will have to do the same kind of planning.

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ah-san: don't like L worry too much
ah-san: he has a lot of responsibilities himself
ah-san: you can pretend to be more "mature'
J: i am pretending.
ah-san: i don't think people really become mature.
ah-san: the mature people are those who know how to pretend
ah-san: the immature people are those who don't care.
J: good point.

Mike just asked me if there are different kinds of addictions and are there good addictions and bad addictions. He is talking about cocaine and volleyball or travel. I tell him, in this case, the cocaine addiction is of the body, and the addiction to travel is of the mind. Perhaps it is easier to control and right an addiction of the mind? I also tell him that all addictions are bad, because the person is out of control and out of balance. He asks me what is bad about being addicted to play volleyball. I think if the addiction is affecting other aspects of life, then it is bad. We did excessive exercise for two weeks for better volleyabll playing. We spent so much time in the gym that we ignored spending time doing other things, like shopping, cooking, conversation, romance. We had to take a break from the work out to find back our balance.

George wants to read stories. He wants to read stories written by me. He gets so angry with me for playing too much beach volleyball and not writing, not becoming this great writer, or great musician, or great scientist, that my talents promise me to be. He uses more and more profanity toward me over the years, hoping to scare the stories out of me. Little does he know that the profanity, the darkness, the ugliness, are all becoming something beautiful in my universe. He laments that I have no dark side. Darkness is what makes someone interesting, he says. Mike also comments that I am too innocent, too good, maybe too sheltered, that I cannot bear to see the dark side of people. Junjun says I have not suffered and therefore I am not deep. Are they right about me? Or is it because I can reach too dark a place inside myself that I have learned to show only the bright side of me? Naivete, cheerfulness, saintliness are those good qualities that often make one boring, shallow, or pretentious. I don’t believe a thoughtful person can be truly innocent and saintly. Everyone has darkness in them. Some wear the darkness outside, others bury inside. The fact that George and Mike and Junjun and many others love me and are intrigued or inspired by me is the evidence that I am not only a shallow, cheerful person. I am cheerful because I want to project this image to the world. I want to be cheerful and sunny and bright and positive, because I believe our world needs more positive depth. There are already too many critical thinkers who want to wake up the world, but how they make people uneasy. There are already too much anger, too much profanity, too many cries of desperation. I want to bring a little more sunshine to the wounded world.