Why do we love temporary things? When all the teachings in the world tell us that the only true happiness is the eternal one bound by love of all (and such themes). What mechanism forces man to pursue short-term pleasures? Why do temporary pleasures exist at all? Great teachings tell us to abandon desire, to withdraw from wanting things, to go inwardly to find peace and contentment. But why do desires exist, and why are so many things outside ourselves?

OK, so Man is not perfect. We are unlucky to be human beings, because we have to go through the near-sightedness and narrow-mindedness and ignorance of a life. So maybe there isn't a "why" after all. Human beings are not created on purpose for experiments or illustrations or teachings of the God/Gods. Planet earth is purely accidental too. Or maybe not, for nothing is accidental. ALL things are created in the Universe and ALL that are possible exist, so we are just unlucky to be born as humans. We need to find our way back to the Origin. I wonder, is it easier for a flower to fulfill its purpose? It's simply a lot more complicated for us....

We are all just signs. We each is a sign that points toward what is inside of us--our maker, our creator, our true essence. What inside is surely not ourselves. We must come from somewhere: nature, the universe, and the soul of the universe. This is why we always feel an inkling to find out the meaning of the signs and to understand.

"Love is the only way to understanding." I want to say this, because it sounds good, but I don't know why it sounds good and be true. From the little bit of Augustine I learned today, I would say that love is what the free will does (whatever our will does, it does because of love--love of anything), but sometimes we love the wrong thing. When our love is in the wrong direction, we go further away from the Truth. Since everything external (money, physical body, knowledge, etc.) is not the essence, not Truth, not eternal, when we love those external things, we lose sight of the signs these external things point out for us. Therefore comes the teaching of detachment from external/temporary things--which include everything that is not the inner Self (or the whole, or God)--in order to reach contentment and harmony. It's not that we should not love anything, but we should realize the nature of our love. It's not that we should not "sin", but we should realize the consequence of our sin (sin here only means loving the wrong thing--anything other than the Self). The consequence is that we are unhappy.

Enough musing for now. I am only repeating myself, and I don't know where I am going. Now I must go and read some more.

It's hard to decide on things since I don't really have a strong sense of direction in life. Sometimes I wish I weren't so free to choose. Maybe I should start by becoming a vegetarian so I have less too choose from. I have already given up on movies and TV so I don't need to choose what to watch. Hmm, I see that becoming a Catholic is a very promising path for me. :)

I am just looking for a job of anything. You know me, that I don't have a clear goal in life, not the "earthly life" at least. It seems something as vague as "To search for Truth and the meaning of life" has always been a goal.... Funny.

Been reading Taoism and learning some St Augustine. Somehow Catholicism seems so much more real and passionate to me. Or perhaps I need someone to explain these to me first? Earlier I "realized" that all religions and spiritualities are equivalent, and everyone needs to pick the one that is close to their temperament. Maybe I am wrong about this. I am a natural Taoist--it's so easy and effortless for me to feel one with the Tao teachings. Is it because I am Chinese? I am a natural Taoist and that means I am very unfocused and free. Taoism is more of an attitude toward life and nature, it is about learning the cycles of the world, accepting it as the ultimate way, and being one with the Way. It is about not acting hard, not going against what is natural, not wanting anything that is temporary in nature. I don't need Tao teachings to tell me NOT to work hard. On the contrary, I should find a way to confine myself so I can seek inwardly and reach the Ultimate and stay there.

One is to pick a set of perspectives about the world, and have faith in it, learn to live with it, until one finds it no longer works and then switches to another. I started with communism on faith, which led me to science, and then I became fascinated with the possibilities outside science and reasons, which turned me into an agnostic. Somehow everything stuck me earlier this year, and I went through all major religions and spiritual beliefs in a flash. I had great respect for Buddhism and Hinduism, but I landed on Taoism. Now I suspect that it's the Chinese upbringing that makes it easy for me use the Tao language to describe my enlightenment. Yet it is only a Way, and only describes the scene on the road. For the actual practice, to gain discipline to stay on the road, I must seek elsewhere.

I am still awake. I drove half of the way (180 miles) and then slept the rest. When I got back, I found my old journal from the New Orleans DPS 3 years ago and started to read. I was so depressed the whole time during that life-changing conference. The only deliverance from my sorrow and loneliness there was you on the steamboat, but I did not record any of my happiness. That was a time in my life when real life happiness was to be avoided at all cost.

-- to t.w.

There, is, God.

God creates everything and everything is God.

One day (God creates, too, that day and the concept of one day), God is bored and decides to take the form of Ah San Wong. All he has to do is to make sure s/he comes to being. God thinks to himself, "It might be fun to be born in a communist country on the planet earth. A girl perhaps. I am her creator, her director, her actor, and also her audience. I will let her be curious and confused and restless. I will let her wonder about who she really is all her life. She is me, but she is to look for me everywhere--in nature, in stars, in equations, in music, in words, in reasons, in love, in the company of the others that I create and impersonate, in void--in all things I create. Because I create everything and everything is me, she will see me everywhere, or she will see me in herself, if she is lucky enough (of course I decide how lucky she can be). Aha, this can be a fun project!" God likes to make his universe a fun place to be, and sometimes he enjoys playing games with his creation. The more complex the game, the more fun he has; otherwise he can get bored--I would if I were God. (OK I am.)

God has many projects. Sometimes he impersonates someone who ask no questions but works deligently and lives happily so the beauty and the ingeniuity of the universe are expressed visibly. This brings God great satisfaction for his own creation.

Sometimes God forgets about his projects. Sometimes he abondons his projects. He is only God.

God is everywhere, at all time. He is showing me who I am, now. Everytime I see him I must record it.

God, is, here, now.

I have finished my last story. I was going to continue the writing, but I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe I've used up all my writing juices for now. It's always like this. When I get into something I do it with full force and then soon I move to something else before coming back to the first thing. Now I hope to get back to the Silk Road stuff.

--
I was doing some writing last week and finished a story. I had been working on a series of short stories (personal) for a few years but I could only write a couple of pieces each year. I feel quite relived to get this one done. It's like finally being able to put down something that have been on my mind for years.

Finally I finished another story yesterday. It seems every year I can only write 2 or 3 pieces at the most, and the rest of the time I don't feel like writing at all. I started this one back in the summer, but the first draft was completed in a few days of time this last week. Since I was reading Sophie's Choice and Dubliners, my story is influenced by the two writers (especially by Styron), plus the election.

Some random thoughts on writing. To connect with the readers, one has to go deep, deep, deep into the human heart. But it's impossible to delve into another person's heart. Since deep down inside we are all alike and we are all the same, when I go deep within myself, perhaps I can touch the heart of everyone who cares.