Funny chat is usually a way to kill time, and I used to do that a lot. I like to get philosophical first and see what level the other people are at philosophically, and then I know what I can get out from chatting with them. Almost nobody can keep up with me and that is okay. I once chatted with a guy who studies Buddhism so I wanted to learn some from him, but he turned out to know only what he read from the books.

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When S is not around, I am keeping the old night schedule. I don't like it. It makes me feel that my lifestyle is still temporary and I am waiting to settle down. But I am not ready to say, "I am going to start a new life and be good". Maybe I will never be ready to say that. Maybe my life will always be in transition, in motion, in waiting.

-- email excerpts to Rong.

5/23/2002 Thursday (diary excerpt)

Tonight I was tired at home (work up 4 am last night, couldn't sleep) and spent my time listening to the Fountainhead. Didn't think about S too much. Then I had a little concern--what happens when the passion dies out? I wish we could always be so passionate about our being together.

But maybe sometimes I want to be alone, to be depressed, to feel pain? I don't know. Seems very strange to want such things. I feel I have been granted a life of suffering, loniness, solitude. Happiness is not my style. It will spoil me, soften me, destroy me. When I am suffering, I long for happiness. And now I am happy, I feel there's something missing. Something that should've been heavy, deep, far, grand, mysterious, something that can't be found.

So am I crazy? What _is_ happiness? What do I really want? I guess I am still searching now, even now when I've found happiness, that I am still searching for answers.

Maybe S is my home. He is the place I return to after each of my searching journeys. He will accompany me during worldly journeys but not my spiritual journeys. I should not lose myself in becoming part of us. I shall grow even stronger, even more independent. (And being with him really allows me to be more of myself.)

How can I fight against happiness just to learn its value? How can I search for pain just to find the cure? How and why am I?

5/16/2002 Seoul airport

Some time I want to be the eyes of the world. I want to see for everyone in the world, see for the world with my eyes, so they can see what I see, and understand what they must understand. When I am the eyes, I am no longer myself, but merely an instrument. Is it my role to be an instrument?

The closer I am to the end of this trip, the more I think about S, and I begin to miss him. When I think of him, I have a feeling of returning home, as if he represents a home for me, a place that I can rest and be myself.

But this trip to China and Hong Kong and readings of Chinese books (文化苦旅)has stirred my Chinese-ness (中国情结). I want to visit all the Chinese places, history and culture, and to experience all things Chinese, deeper than what I used to know. I can't do this with anyone non-Chinese.

Am I further away from S? Will I get closer to him over time? Where is his place in my life anyway? Am I going to change? Do I need him? Will I abandon him? Am I reliable? When will I stop questioning myself? When shall I find rest and peace? How come I can't give up? Will time help? And what's the meaning of everything anyway?

OK, back to the same old question, time to stop and move aside and move on.

5/12/2002 Zhengzhou 10:20 pm

The last 11 hours has been difficult for me to write about in English. The only thing I can think about to write down here, and that is relevant to my recent life (with S) is: this trip is really a test, a measure, to measure the real distance between us. And the last half day is too thick, too heavy, with all history, all things Chinese, all things family, childhood, relationship, root, future, culture, compassion, human suffering, endurance, ignorance, ... all things about me.

5/11/2002 (Sat) Train Station, Hong Kong, 1:30 pm

Taking a train to Zhengzhou alone. Waiting.

Yesterday was a shopping day with mom. Bought so much cloth, so cheap, so many varieties. I didn't know I like shopping (for cloth) so much.

This morning I visited a few bookstores in Mongkok. Chinese books. Now I remember them. I suddenly had an urge to read them all. These were my roots. These books are my culture. I can't just abandon Chinese culture completely and become a "citizen of the world". I still feel so much affinity toward Chinese. Deep feelings for Chinese culture, history, and people.

Bought 2 books -- 张爱玲 and 余秋雨. I was going to study some Chinese philosophy and religions, to compare with my newly obtained knowledge of western philosophy and religion. But I was pulled back by Chinese literature.

Maybe I should evaluate who I am, what I want to be, where I want to go, and my place in the world and universe again. It's not easy to be just myself.

5/6/2002 (Mon) 1:30pm, Eastern NW Chicago -> Minniapolis

Finished "Demian". Great book. Not really a "Youth novel" to me. Should not read as a novel. It's more a statement of Hesse, a record of his path, or itself is Demian, a master that helps the growth and self-realization of the other lonely seekers. Sindair has Demian,and we have the book. It tells us that we are not alone, although the path to oneself is difficult & lonely. In a chapter or two it seems every sentence is about me, is about the path that I have traveled on. It's an echo of my life. Maybe it is the way that every seeker walks. It is the same way for each of us, although each of us has to travel alone, and finds oneself.

The way.

I feel connected to the great minds of the world. I feel so priveledged to be among those with great minds and great passion.

I have broken out of the shell of the world and reborn again, (not now, but earlier), and I have found the path to find myself.

Maybe one day I will surpass Demian. I have noticed that toward the end of the book, our paths diverted. I have not applied the way to the worldly events -- the war & the politics, etc.

So will I be alone again? I am sure I will. At some point in the future, I will come to a path that I see no one has been. Then I have to struggle to find my own way. But I shall not be afraid.

One day I might write my own Demian, to record my own path, to be Demian to others who seek.

Being a seeker, I feel I am fulfilling my destiny, and realize all htat I am here to be. It is not the answer that matters. (And there might never be an answer to all these). It is the process of seeking that makes the journey destined to be taken. And I am to be a seeker and it is my role, my destiny, my self.