5/16/2002 Seoul airport

Some time I want to be the eyes of the world. I want to see for everyone in the world, see for the world with my eyes, so they can see what I see, and understand what they must understand. When I am the eyes, I am no longer myself, but merely an instrument. Is it my role to be an instrument?

The closer I am to the end of this trip, the more I think about S, and I begin to miss him. When I think of him, I have a feeling of returning home, as if he represents a home for me, a place that I can rest and be myself.

But this trip to China and Hong Kong and readings of Chinese books (文化苦旅)has stirred my Chinese-ness (中国情结). I want to visit all the Chinese places, history and culture, and to experience all things Chinese, deeper than what I used to know. I can't do this with anyone non-Chinese.

Am I further away from S? Will I get closer to him over time? Where is his place in my life anyway? Am I going to change? Do I need him? Will I abandon him? Am I reliable? When will I stop questioning myself? When shall I find rest and peace? How come I can't give up? Will time help? And what's the meaning of everything anyway?

OK, back to the same old question, time to stop and move aside and move on.