5/23/2002 Thursday (diary excerpt)

Tonight I was tired at home (work up 4 am last night, couldn't sleep) and spent my time listening to the Fountainhead. Didn't think about S too much. Then I had a little concern--what happens when the passion dies out? I wish we could always be so passionate about our being together.

But maybe sometimes I want to be alone, to be depressed, to feel pain? I don't know. Seems very strange to want such things. I feel I have been granted a life of suffering, loniness, solitude. Happiness is not my style. It will spoil me, soften me, destroy me. When I am suffering, I long for happiness. And now I am happy, I feel there's something missing. Something that should've been heavy, deep, far, grand, mysterious, something that can't be found.

So am I crazy? What _is_ happiness? What do I really want? I guess I am still searching now, even now when I've found happiness, that I am still searching for answers.

Maybe S is my home. He is the place I return to after each of my searching journeys. He will accompany me during worldly journeys but not my spiritual journeys. I should not lose myself in becoming part of us. I shall grow even stronger, even more independent. (And being with him really allows me to be more of myself.)

How can I fight against happiness just to learn its value? How can I search for pain just to find the cure? How and why am I?