conversation with master:

> In one sense I am weak and cannot make decisions by myself, but in another sense I choose the answers before I ask the questions.

The very voice of wisdom. ;) Anyway, let a Master take the decisions, then all you have to do is go with the flow.

> Sometimes I feel right when I comprehend the Taoism way of looking at the world and my life--everything is transient and passing, and I am just a player in a long drama, so I am able to enjoy whatever I'm doing at the time.

That's the way things are.

> But at other times I feel I am wasting my time doing useless things, and I cannot comprehend the way of Tao--it strikes me as being passive and resigned. I have to find away to combine my desire of wanting to be useful (actually I mean famous) and my understand of the true nature of the world.

Do I look passive and resigned? ;)
Just do as you please and pursue what you have a predilection for, just don't attach any importance to what you do, because it has none. Then, you will understand the true nature of the world.

> I haven't got to "the summits of the human experience of the world", and haven't reached "a zone which in essence is invisible to the common man". But I know I have glimpses of it all. I see the what is possible to be one with the universe through FM. Then I remember you and I think perhaps you have been there and is there too.

You should really read Madhu's book. He has been living in India for 20 years, at the feet of the Masters.
His Masters told him many time that he was enlightened.
But then he found out the same that all people having been there do find: Before enlightenment, you chop wood and carry water, and after enlightenment, you carry water and chop wood.

> Nothing lasts forever. Even the understanding of this statement.

As the Ancients remarked, Change itself is the most stable and reliable element of our human environment.

> Do you still learn more things about life, and do you still change? Or there's really a place you reach to be content forever?

I sure change constantly and yet am always the same.

To learn to be atop the Great Wave, not worrying about if you are there, or even where you are, that is the recipe to be content forever.

The Voice of Wisdom.

conversation with master:

> What does it really mean, that there are many ways? Do we choose our own way, or does the way chooses us and we have to enjoy as much as we can on the way because we can never reach other ways?

We choose our own ways, but this at more than one level...
About that, you should find at the library the book of Thea Alexander called "2150 AD" and read it. That would give you ideas. So ways choose us too, even if at some time we might have chosen these ways, which in turn choose us.

> And how is it possible that I have only met two souls "walking upon my path"? And both of you are so "different" from the mass, and when I look down the paths you take (too unconventional), I don't know if I have the courage or the strength to go down the way.

There is no particular merit or obligation to do things my way or his way, or any particular way, for that matter. In essence, none of them has any particular value or importance. You can perfectly play being "normal", and still do what you want, when you want. As long as you understand that it is just a game. That the whole thing is like a long movie in which we all merely play a short part.

> How come only you and me can recognize each other as being smart, but many people (including my best friend) don't have this high regard of me?

When you, or any of us, get to the summits of the human experience of the world, we reach a zone which in essence is invisible to the common man. For him, we just appear a bit weird, interested in weird things, and talking about stuff that makes little sense. They would almost need an interpreter. If you happen to get a Nobel, write a bestseller, or make lots of money, *that*, they do understand and can somehow relate to. But if you use your brain too much, you are just a geek, who probably doesn't even watch football on television...

Don't assume anything. Remember: The map is not the territory.

> For the questions, I will ask you, since you are also full of answers.

Be my guest! ;)

> The more answers I find, the more questions I get.

Welcome to the human race. ;)

> Here's one more: How do I know if there are many people who are like me but they have chosen a normal life? And how come I cannot achieve that?

Your life looks pretty normal to me, as far as I know of it. So in what way do you perceive it to be different, and what exactly would you want to achieve?

> Also, I don't think I can ever be happy.

Now, that is the easiest thing to fix. :) You should read Madhu's book. :)
Anyway, the general rule is simple: Whether you think you are happy, or not; or can or cannot, in each case, you are right.

> It seems more and more clear to me that I love suffering--when happiness presents itself to me (in the form of an opportunity for normal life), I doubt and refuse it.

More practically, how did it present itself in the past, and how did you doubt and refuse it?

conversation with master:

Wisdom teaches than one must seize her own cubic centimeter of luck as it passes by, and do so swiftly, as otherwise it might soon be gone, to never appear again.
But as for the questions, I can always answer them. :) Answers are easy to me, it's the questions that are hard.

> And why am I always struggling to gain a normal life?

Remember, being (really) smart is being different. We ask ourselves question that make no sense to the masses... Let's hope they at least make sense to ourselves. ;)
Besides, you still need a good Master, as you always did. Perhaps *that* is the answer.

> What's your goal?

Live as long as Li Qing Yuen, and happy. Well, for example. :)
Or do like Pico della Mirandola, who pursued "De Omnia Re Scibili" -- All the things one can know. ;)
Or visiting Paradise often in the form of lots of good ...? ;)

Or all of the above, maybe? Goals can have so many forms....

email excerpt to ST.

Cooking. Eating. Reading. Thinking. Writing. Last night I finished one more "road trip" story, but not too happy with it. The main thing again is that I don't know what I want to say. My mind is too scattered right now. It has always been. Sometimes I don't know how to focus my thoughts--by giving up some thoughts, or by rearranging them, or by gaining new meta-thoughts. April has always been a month of enlightenment for me, or rather, a month of confusion. Sometimes I think enlightenment and confusion are not mutually exclusive.

4/3/2004

I do not want the happiness. Maybe I believe happiness makes me unhappy??? ... I feel happy but sad. I'm sad because I cannot take the happiness. Why?

4/4/2004 8:50 PM

I don't want the happiness that I can see. I want something else, something uncertain, something crazy, something unattainable. I don't know why!!

4/5/2004 1:37 PM

I think I'm just a little confused right now, and trying to sort things out. I can't say that the happiness with D is the true happiness. In fact, I am confused about what is happiness for me. Because if I am truly happy, why do I not want it??? I am simply not satisfied. There must be something more than what I have that I want. Maybe I want something beyond happiness. For me, D represents happiness, but F represents hopes and dreams beyond happiness.

... I guess I will have to go with my own flow and see how everything will end up for me... If in the end I fail, then I will come to peace. But right now, I still want to pursue, pursue the dream of my life.

======
4/?/2004

Today I am sad. I am sad because I am sad. I am sad because I do not know what happiness is.

I caught a glimpse of greatness. And I am not allowed to reach it, to possess it. I am driven crazy. I must go somewhere else to catch the greatness. Why is the greatness elsewhere? Why don't I look inside and find it in myself? Why do I want more? Why can't I appreciate the gllimpse and be content. Why can't I be grateful to have even this glimpse? And of all the possibilities in the world.

Maddening.

email excerpt to TF:

Thank you again, for your insightful note. I'm almost very glad to read your letter.

One day I shall write down my millennium disillusion in a book.

Today I've just decided, again, that I shall never struggle to become normal. For all my life I have struggled to be like everyone else, and I have failed. Then I have decided that I am different. Then I look at those people who are also different and I say, I want to be as different as those people. Then I fail. I shall for once learn to be responsible for being myself. I shall be brave and be confident. That's why I love your notes--gives me strength. So, yes, I shall not question again "why me?"

People are just different. Some people have simple faith and live a life with less or no confusions. But for those of us who always question things, we will never be able to comprehend what life would be like without those questions. And those simple people (I don't mean simple in a negative way) will never comprehend why we want to make life so complicated. They will not comprehend, and we cannot understand. And we are the people who say, "such is life".