4/3/2004

I do not want the happiness. Maybe I believe happiness makes me unhappy??? ... I feel happy but sad. I'm sad because I cannot take the happiness. Why?

4/4/2004 8:50 PM

I don't want the happiness that I can see. I want something else, something uncertain, something crazy, something unattainable. I don't know why!!

4/5/2004 1:37 PM

I think I'm just a little confused right now, and trying to sort things out. I can't say that the happiness with D is the true happiness. In fact, I am confused about what is happiness for me. Because if I am truly happy, why do I not want it??? I am simply not satisfied. There must be something more than what I have that I want. Maybe I want something beyond happiness. For me, D represents happiness, but F represents hopes and dreams beyond happiness.

... I guess I will have to go with my own flow and see how everything will end up for me... If in the end I fail, then I will come to peace. But right now, I still want to pursue, pursue the dream of my life.

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4/?/2004

Today I am sad. I am sad because I am sad. I am sad because I do not know what happiness is.

I caught a glimpse of greatness. And I am not allowed to reach it, to possess it. I am driven crazy. I must go somewhere else to catch the greatness. Why is the greatness elsewhere? Why don't I look inside and find it in myself? Why do I want more? Why can't I appreciate the gllimpse and be content. Why can't I be grateful to have even this glimpse? And of all the possibilities in the world.

Maddening.