How many times can one person try to decide what to do with his/her life? Why are there so many choices in life? Why do I have to make all the decisions? Why isn't there a god to tell me things? Why can't I settle down and learn to be content? Why do I think so much?

It is easier to speak of these things to a stranger, don't you think?

I have always loved big cities. I grew up in Beijing, lived in Hong Kong, and spent more of my adult life in Los Angeles. I have always wanted to live in New York, and I love Paris and Rome. Now I am in Ann Arbor and I hate it. It's too small. It's too nice. It's too personal. I want to be in a big city so I can hide. So when I walk on the streets nobody can guess who I am. So I can observe the crowd. So I can feel insignificant in the crowd but feel the significance within myself.

I had this one experience in Hong Kong that I shall never forget. On January 1, 2000 I was back in Hong Kong to experience the millennium celebration. I first met an old best friend from NYC whom we had not met for years. We had some Japanese noodles and then she wanted to do shopping, for shoes. I followed her in and out of shops in Mongkok, feeling like a bored boyfriend of hers. She was on her cell phone 95% of the time with her sisters and other friends the whole time. I felt so numb that I didn't even bother to say anything. Eventually she decided to join her other friends in Hong Kong to do more shopping. Then I walked aimlessly through the streets, through the crowds, thinking, this is the first day of the new millennium, and why do these people just go shopping, just talk on their cell phone, just laugh and talk as if nothing is happening. I felt so sick that I had to escape to a small bookstore. I found some peace..... When I walked back to home, I felt so completely disillusioned. I knew then that I was invisible to this world. I was a ghost and I could not participate in the daily life of real people. I had no joy, no sorrow, no feeling, no desire. I did not belong.

It is very difficult to find oneself in a crowded culture. I had never wanted any solitude until a few years ago when I realized that I existed and I was visible to at least one person in this world. Now I enjoy spending time with myself (even when I'm with people).

-- email excerpt to TF.

以前一直认为世界是黑与白的，后来发现原来还有灰色，而且有不同明暗的灰色，挣扎之后，承认了这点，就是一次向现实的妥协。慢慢，一切一切都是圆的了，都是模糊的了，都是模棱两可的了。看到的世界是丰富多彩了，但渐渐的，我们变成了看者，去欣赏和体验这些色彩和变化多端。年青的时候，情感是激烈的；成人后，就少了激烈，多了丰盛。我看着想着这些人生的变化，好象坐在岸上看河水的流逝。

玛雅，你能每时每刻都找到同行的人吗？？我曾一直是独行的，知道四年前，才第一次发现，我的路上原来还有别的人在行走！最近在你的咖啡店，又隐约的看到了一些人的影子。

（写于玛雅咖啡店）

email excerpt to J:

Although I try not to think too much, occasionally I still get excited about
the new visions that came to me yesterday. I am going to start a "epiphany
journal" and record some thoughts that are coherent. One thing I can share
with you now is about my career. I thought about it today. I think you will
like it.

So... you know that I have always had trouble deciding what I should do
career-wise. There are so many things I want to or can do. What is the
simplest solution? How about a meta-career for me?

What is a meta-career is not important. It can be a career that includes
everything else I want to do, or a career that is above all other choices,
or a careeer that unify everything else. Maybe you can help me think about
it, or we can think about it together.

一直是个无可就药的理想主义者。所以才会爱上72岁的男人。所以才会“青春”得让人嫉妒。所以才会悲哀。所以才会哭泣。所以才会渴望与向往。所以才只看到非黑既白的世界。一生到此觉得一直是在向现实向传统向社会妥协，所以一直才要苦苦抓住一点点的青春，好象青春是唯一可以与世界对抗的。

喜欢钻牛角尖。喜欢找苦吃。觉得只有在悲哀中才能最接近自己的内心。也许还是太执着，太天真了些吧。又也许因为我是阿姗吧。

eamil excerpt to TF:

Was just reading Huxley's Brave New World Revisited and he talked about over population.

City life is anonymous and, as it were, abstract. People are related to one another, not as total personalities, but as the embodiments of economic functions or, when they are not at work, as irresponsible seekers of entertainment. Subjected to this kind of life, individuals tend to feel lonely and insignificant. Their existence ceases to have any point or meaning.

Puerto Rico story, email excerpt to G:

The way I started writing it was not the way I ended up writing it. The story is such: I was depressed and desperate after a relationship breakup in Michigan, and hated the winter, so I wanted an escape. In Puerto Rico, I saw many interesting things (mountains, oceans, cities, carnival), talked to very friendly and interesting local people, met American tourists whom I had a hard time to relate, and done lots of interesting things (driving, hiking, diving, swimming, ...). Then one day two men paid me attention, one young free-spirited Puerto Rico waiter, and one middle aged conservative white American businessman (strangely with Italian and Peruvian background). I ended up making connections with these two opposite men (but they are both opposite of me)--had an affair with one..... and I tried to understand what these events mean to me. In the end, I realized that these events had no more meaning to me than a cool breeze from the sea, a delicious meal, a colorful city...... Something like that. Actually, I came to this realization when I was waiting at the airport coming back. "Everything is just a flavor of Puerto Rico (or life)".

email excerpt to GS:

I am still working on the answer to the question "if an alien asked you to summarize human existence, what might you say?". I can tell the truth, "don't ask me! I am confused!"

email excerpt to R:

You know me well so you enjoy reading about my adventures and understand what I want to say. You even understand what I don't understand. I don't know about other readers. But do I really care about the other readers? As an artist, all you want is to express, and hopefully a few souls will find connection with you through your work. I don't know whom my readers would be. But I know I don't want to become a pop writer. I should start being more serious, or otherwise people will expect you to be popular and you lose your soul.

Maybe this whole trip is just about someone experiencing life in a different environment and among different people, and along the way learning something about life? What have I learned about life? That it should be truthful, be open, be earnest, be passionate? I was always so attracted to the passion of the locals. But I don't know if this theme is not grand enough. Will see how the story goes. I don't even know. And I don't want to gear my writing toward any definite direction.

email excerpt to GS:

I spent a lot of time with my friend talking about the piece I wrote last night. We tried to figure out what it meant. I was wondering if a story has to have a clear message for the readers. I thought, what if the writer is confused and don't know what he wants to say? Can he just write a wonderful piece and let the readers to find out? I thought about this over and over again. And I think I am on the verge of finding the meaning of life, again! Thought you were also looking for it, the meaning of life, so I thought I'd inform you.

email excerpt to GS.

I was probably wrong to say "everything is allowed in this world if it exists". It should not be true, the permission. But it is true that "everything is forgiven in this world if it exists". This is one wisdom I think every human being should gain in time. However, when I first discovered this, I applied it mostly on myself, and I forgave everything I'd done and not done, and that was pretty bad. I would stay in bed and not go to school, and instead of feeling bad for it, I forgave myself. And during that period, I allowed (yes, allowed) myself fall into too deep a hole. As I'm writing this, I see more clearly the distinction of something being allowed and something being forgiven.

email excertp to ST.

I know I have yet so much more to learn. Sometimes I feel I have everything all figured out, but after a while, I learn new experience and I will have to reconstruct my world view. I am probably doing a little of the reconstruction right now, although not too actively. When I had my unexpected "enlightenment" a few years ago, I thought I would never get confused again, ever. I thought I had touched the truth. I don't know why I was wrong.

email excerpt to R:

I want to become a serious writer some day, and I want to build my own style of writing. At this early stage I shouldn't compromise. I am writing to share with people, but I don't beg people to like what I have to share. This I have the confidence, and I should hold up to it. I just have to polish my skills and reach deeper within myself, to present people something more universal of humanity. And I don't really know what theme I have to present. I don't know the meaning of life. Maybe I want to show people that I am just like them, just someone who is experiencing what life has to offer us.

email excerpt to R:

Hmm, you really get my writings. You know to me, everything in life is an adventure, an experience. It's all about going to more places, meeting more people, seeing and doing and learning more things, and in the end, finding more about oneself and about our relationship with the world, and so on. But say, if I want to make some money out of my writing, I will have to see if people get me. I will need to make sure they understand my point.