How many times can one person try to decide what to do with his/her life? Why are there so many choices in life? Why do I have to make all the decisions? Why isn't there a god to tell me things? Why can't I settle down and learn to be content? Why do I think so much?

It is easier to speak of these things to a stranger, don't you think?

I have always loved big cities. I grew up in Beijing, lived in Hong Kong, and spent more of my adult life in Los Angeles. I have always wanted to live in New York, and I love Paris and Rome. Now I am in Ann Arbor and I hate it. It's too small. It's too nice. It's too personal. I want to be in a big city so I can hide. So when I walk on the streets nobody can guess who I am. So I can observe the crowd. So I can feel insignificant in the crowd but feel the significance within myself.

I had this one experience in Hong Kong that I shall never forget. On January 1, 2000 I was back in Hong Kong to experience the millennium celebration. I first met an old best friend from NYC whom we had not met for years. We had some Japanese noodles and then she wanted to do shopping, for shoes. I followed her in and out of shops in Mongkok, feeling like a bored boyfriend of hers. She was on her cell phone 95% of the time with her sisters and other friends the whole time. I felt so numb that I didn't even bother to say anything. Eventually she decided to join her other friends in Hong Kong to do more shopping. Then I walked aimlessly through the streets, through the crowds, thinking, this is the first day of the new millennium, and why do these people just go shopping, just talk on their cell phone, just laugh and talk as if nothing is happening. I felt so sick that I had to escape to a small bookstore. I found some peace..... When I walked back to home, I felt so completely disillusioned. I knew then that I was invisible to this world. I was a ghost and I could not participate in the daily life of real people. I had no joy, no sorrow, no feeling, no desire. I did not belong.

It is very difficult to find oneself in a crowded culture. I had never wanted any solitude until a few years ago when I realized that I existed and I was visible to at least one person in this world. Now I enjoy spending time with myself (even when I'm with people).

-- email excerpt to TF.