I haven't studied FX's quasar paper yet. I'm going to take a
look today since you have already done so. I am the person who should
know his work the best among our classmates since my work is the closest
to his. So strange to think about it. I will tell you about my
"professional" opinion if I can understand anything. Do you keep
contact with him? Why are you calling him an "acquaintace"? What makes
a person a friend for you? Hmm...

Well, you see, I care more about people and relationships than work. I
spend a lot of my time thinking about people (including myself). I
think people are so much more interesting. Studying the atmosphere
Jupiter is as far away as possible from understanding people. Or maybe
Jupiter is still better than computers, because at least there might be
something philosophical about it. At this age I am ready to admit that
technology and science is not for me. I don't know how I get into
these. Maybe it's safe to blame it on the society.

Am I talking nonsense again? Do I sometimes sound like a mad person?
Alert me if I do. :)

If I ever become religious, maybe I will try Catholic. Sometimes I am
disappointed with the imperfection of reality, and I want to keep my
faith on something pure and simple and beautiful. Recently I read two
novels, and accidentally they all deal with the Catholic religon. They
taught me how strongly people felt about religions.

Is there a simpler religion that need no exercise, no donation, no
prayer, etc?

-- email excerpt to GX.

5.19.2000 （五）

St Augustine asked where time came from. He said it came out of the future which didn't exist yet, into the present that has no duration, and went into the past which had ceased to exist.

-- The End of the Affair

11:45ｐｍ

放弃追求幸福？Carol 说，happiness 不是最终的 state。我们会 move in and out of happiness, just as any other emotions, sadness, anger, etc. 原来幸福是无法长久的。

1:55ａｍ

我不再信任他了！:(

刚才他打来电话，讲得好好的。但讲到他的 inconsistency，他说那是 human nature 之类的，说今天说过的话，明天可以不算。

我发现自己对他失去了信心，我不能再依靠他了。他说的话，表示过的意思，只存在那一瞬间，而过后便是无尽的疑惑，怎么能把他说的话当真呢？怎么能相信自己对他的感情能长久呢？因为这一刻感受到的，下一刻可能就不存在了。

还是好伤心。只能这样想了。是保护自己的措施吧。但真的伤心透了（哭着呢）。因为自己已经不能再完全地爱他了。

3:55ａｍ

还是不能止住眼泪。在哭泣堕落得人性，哭泣人的不可靠，哭泣我又一次失去的信心，对人性的信心，好像第一次失去处女时那样。一切似乎变得又肮脏一些。世界上我所 value 我所看重的理想又少了一些。自己原来是那么单纯，那么 innocent，对人不设防，对外面的世界抱有那么大的信心和信任，而对自己抱有那么多的怀疑。好不容易找到了，或以为找到了，一个能让理想实现的人，一个希望，但他所持的观点打破了我的希望。我以为，理想主义的世界是存在的，ideal，perfectoin 是存在的，世界上是有完美的东西，完美的理想的，但又一次我被证明是错的。

没有什么是永恒的吗？难道世界上没有任何人是可以信赖的吗？没有任何纯洁的东西吗？

我是个绝对矛盾的人。一方面是那么单纯，那么理想主义，另一方面又是那么事故的样子。我尽量要从丑陋、肮脏、混乱的世界中，找到美丽、纯洁、有秩序的东西出来。也许我本身就是错的。但我不要改变。我情愿做个傻瓜。

当年发现男人对性的观念的时候，我是多么失望啊。那时范给我讲解人生的日子。怪不得要拒绝他了，因为他代表世俗的观念，他代表失去的理想主义，代表向现实的投降。

今天，Ｇ告诉我，没有人是可以做到 consistent （言语一致）的。我忽然发现，人是不能信任的？或许只是他？但也许他讲的是真。不信任他，便代表不能投入去爱他，那我为何还要和他在一起！做朋友便可以了。

如果他今天说爱我，我只能相信在那一刻是真的，永远是处于戒备的状态中，不知这一刻的爱会延续到多久。这是最终的无依靠。This is the ultimate insecurity.

我到底是乐观主义还是悲观主义？我相信完美的存在，那时乐观。但当一点瑕疵出现，我便全盘推倒，这是悲观。难道我只生活在极端上吗？难道我认为世界上只有好与坏的区别，而无中间带吗？

我还能爱他吗？我对自己失去了信心。我对我们失去了信心。

读 Ebert 写的 The Virgin Suicides 的 Review，中写-- It was the end of adolescence and the beginning of a lifetime of compromises, disenchantments and real things. In a way, the Lisbon girl and the neighborhood boys never existed, except in their own adolescent imaginations. They were imaginary creatures, waiting for the dream to end through death or adulthood.

有很大感触。也许我还停留在 adolescence? 我还没有进入成人的年代？但为什么要放弃梦想呢？

Such a _disillusionment_ disillusion vt. 1) to free from illusion 2) to take away the idealism of and make bitter, etc.

小说中，书里的世界很多都是很美丽很真诚的，是否因为写书的人或多或少或少都抱有理想主义的梦？或许写出来得东西，在写的过程中，已经被筛选过，于是只有完美的主义才写下来？不管那些故事多肮脏，多丑陋，多悲观，我们常常学到的，不仍旧是美丽、纯洁、理想的吗？或许只有我才能学到正面的东西？

5.16.2000 (Tues) 1:40 pm

"When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy."

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

"Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."

"Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy."

I am not happy!

When and where can I find happiness?

Why is it so hard for me?

4:05 am (Wed)

和Ｇ的交往真正使我反复考验自己，认识自己，好像是被烈火在磨炼。他把我所有的东西都翻出来了。为了得到和他的关系，我把自己的缺点全暴露出来，一条条检验。我在烈火中重生。

并 非我在两端中间摇摆，并非是一日我认清自己，下一日我又否认自己，无法进步。我想 on average 在总体来讲我还是在进步的。每次的 setback，总是在旧的问题的基础上，产生的新的问题。我并没有 undo 或退回去。只是这样一来，人生永远解决不完问题。我将永远在求索。只希望有时候我能享受自己的幸福久一点，不要每隔两天就又要放回烈火中去烤。

总算回到了平静，和祥的心态了。Mind 和 heart 都又统一了。只有 body 还需要配合一下。

当初刚和他好的时候，我以为我要帮他找到自己，谁想到我自己又迷失了，而现在我又要找回自己。我们都不能为别人的生命负责任。我只要为自己负责。别人的生活、别人的幸福，那时别人自己的事。他若想找到自我，若想开心若想进步，那他自己要去摸索。看来我又有些错了。

5.15.2000 （一）8:55 pm

Growing up is so painful. Sometimes I just want to give up. To learn about myself is a lonely process. I cannot depend on anyone else. There's no short cut. I have to find myself all by myself. Any involvement with anyone else will only hinder my progress. Such a long process. Such a painful process. Nobody can really replace/help me. George went through his period of painful growth. Killian did it too. It's my turn.

I read "unbearable lightness of being" in high school back in Hong Kong, and it had a great influence on me. I realized that we could not always know which path is the right one to choose. That was a relief. After that I didn't worry too much about which school, department, advisor, job, etc.. to choose. Later I used the idea of "lightness" to describe myself. For a few years I felt like floating. I didn't know what I was doing and what I would become. I was very depressed. Only this year I realized that I was much heavier than I thought.

-- email excerpt to R

5.6.2000（六）5:30am（日）（节）

晚上回到学校，伤心起来，眼泪刷刷刷流下来，哭得再也止不住。觉得好孤独。原以为孤独的 日子已经结束。Ｇ病了的时候，我要一个人面对他，面对全世界。我为了我们二人，背叛了全世界。我背叛了父母、妹妹、朋友、旧男友，而且还背叛了Ｄ。我没有 任何人（除了Ｎ）的支持，而Ｇ却固执地病着。想到以后他不在了，那我又将一个人面对全世界。好不公平啊！我难道选择错了！？！

没有 认识他以前，我一直很孤独。认识他的时候，我曾经对自己说过，一定要记住这美好的感觉，千万不能习以为常而不去珍惜，以为一切都很自然很容易很平凡。好像 那个时候偷偷给自己写了个锦囊妙计，说好在疑虑时，取出来读。现在我怀疑了，赶快把锦囊找出来，提醒自己要记住珍惜。

没有他参与我的生活，真的好寂寞，整个生活都停滞了，不能进退。而他仍坚持地做他的事。

我都不敢再奢想些什么。

天 要亮了。还在一个人哭。为什么这样伤心呢？我已经决定离开社会规范的限制，我走到世界的对面，以为我可以和Ｇ一同。可是他却贪玩，抛下我一个人。我对他万 分关怀，但我自己也需要有人关怀。他与我在一起，并不要面对很多很大社会压力，但我却要承受那么多。他却不能帮我。我一个人，好无力，好虚弱。

这是轻还是重的生命？我选择的都是重的。我自己却承受不了。

真的觉得我一个人在与全世界、整个社会、所有的人，抗衡。

写到这里，忽然想到Ｇ鼓励我认识的社会以外的人们。他们也曾痛苦过吗？他们也曾与全世界抗衡吗？他们也曾走过我面前的这条路吗？

终于平静下来一些。停止了哭泣，停止了自艾自怨。Ｇ他好聪明，一早就已把答案告诉我了。他大概知道有一天我会需要的。