When I was very young, I always looked forward to the new year, because I liked to turn the calendar over when the clock striked 12. I enjoy watching numbers turn, like those ones on my odometer. Later I became less enthusiastic about the new year stuff, and think every day should be the same as every other day. But I have been looking forward to this turning of century thing since I could count numbers, and one of my wish was to live that long to see the numbers turn. The disappointing aspect is that I used to imagine how successul I will become when the new century starts, and I will among the great generation of people who will
build the next century, but now I feel so worn out by my ambition. I dare not look into my future.

-- email excerpt to HB.

I am leaving for home next Wednesday night. I will go to Hong Kong first, and then our whole family will visit my grandpa in Zhengzhou, He'nan. Then my sister and her fiance will go to New Zealand while I stay home in Hong Kong with my parents for the New Year.

Do you have any plan for new year? I used to think about all kinds of interesting ways to celebrate the historical moment of changing a century, but I was afraid my ideas are not so original. My wish was to celebrate the moment with someone I love, and carry the love into the next century. But as 1999 is passing by, I gave up my ideas. I feel frustrated when I give up to reality. I feel so sad to give up the
beginning of a whole new century.

-- to h.b.

Although I have much regret, I have learned not to look back, because I will never know how much worse my life could have turned out had something become different. In this case, I was merely looking forward.

It's so hard to understand everything. One day I will give up and be content, following the footsteps of my precedants.

-- email excerpt to CF

About appreciation, I agree with you. While some people have deeper appreciation about many things, some other people have less, or about different things. If two people each appreciate Jin Yong's novels, and they can build their relationship on top of that. I appreciate Jin Yong's novels, and it frustrates me to meet/date people who don't share the same understanding. But I have appreciation of other things that I feel much deeper about, for example, certain music. If someone understand music the same way as me, then I won't care that much if he does not understand Jin Yong. I think music is not the thing that I have the deepest feeling about. There are certain values, certain understanding of the world and life in general, that I yearn for recognition or resonance. If I meet someone who can touch the deepest feelings in me, and vice versa, then I will say that I have found my soul mate and I will never let the person go.

-- email excerpt to HB.

Overly sentimental these days. I felt so sad when I realized that the Mars Polar Lander got lost, and felt sad when I heard about the death of the Giand Panda Hsing Hsing a couple weeks ago. Today in my music class, I heard a extraordinary beautiful piece of music, and felt sad because I might never find anyone to share my passion. My high school classmate (very smart) married a Korean woman just because she shares his passion of astronomy. I didn't understand him until recently. Sometimes when I am listening to music, I feel that I am in a different world, completely alone, and feel very sad. Then I think about this friend whom I am going to see tomorrow. He might not share my passion, and we probably never mean to be together. Then I don't feel so sad. But not feeling sad about him makes me sad. I guess I am just a sad person in general.

-- email excerpt to HB.

Yes, I enjoy all my feelings. I even enjoy great pain. I have already backed out of life so much in the past few years that I could hardly feel anything. My biggest fear is that one day I will not feel anything anymore.

-- email excerpt to HB.