That little revelation I had is a little worn out now, or maybe it is
integrated into my system quickly and smoothly. I feel I am a different
person now from when I was a month ago, two months ago, ... Definitely
different from when I was back in California. Maybe people can't tell,
but I feel differently about many things, especially work.

-- email excerpt to J.

I am having a new revelation these last few days, about life, about my life specifically. It is exhausting. It's about this time last year I had my "epiphany". These things always somehow set me freer. Somehow I wonder how much freer I can get. I don't think people would understand what I have just realized, but I think probably you will understand the fact that I have these enlightenments. (This one isn't new, but I had not been able to put things into a theory until just now.) I hope I am not deceiving myself by making up theories and live up to them.

-- email excerpt to J

I am a loner, yet I love people. I want to be with people and don't want to be left alone. I want to be in love and want it to last forever. I want to enter a committed relationship. But when I am with people, I am no longer free. I have to sacrifice part of my freedom to get a the security that a committed love provides, or should I?

Suddenly I realize that I can do both. I am a person who lives in the world of ideas. In that world, I am completely free. I travel by myself, I meet great minds, and I create myself. I don't need a partner in my journey in that world, because there are so many great minds from the past and the other parts of the real world and I can never be alone. And my real self is in that world. In the real world, I can commit myself to a loving relationship that will allow me be myself, and be drifting in my own world. And this relationship will connect me to the real world so I won't drift too far, float too high, and vanish from it altogether.

Real world never bothers me for long, because it is for common people, for people with only physical existence. In the world of ideas, I live forever, without the boundary and the limit of time and space. In real world, I will experience, I will enjoy, I will love, I will do all things that broaden the world of my real existence.