So you were happy and it made you unhappy. Boy can I relate!

This seems to be an recurring theme that I find happiness sad. My friend thinks intrinsically I am a sad person. I don't know. Sometimes I think many of the moments of happiness I have encountered are not true happiness, but something else. Is happiness supposed to be more sustainable? Sometimes when I am happy, I feel sad because I know the happiness is not going to last forever (by experience). It's a bit like what you describe about your current situation (is it still true now?)--you are happy with your girlfriend but you worry that something bad will come up and it will end. No? So perhaps true happiness does not have this element of fear. (Note: I wrote this paragraph a while ago. These days my new relationship is so promising and hopeful that I start to feel that my current happiness can be very lasting. So this is perhaps true happiness.)

"Maybe in the end, love is the answer."
What do you think right now?

I was talking to Mike last week about my "religion" and he asked me to summarize all my learnings in one sentence. I had to think very hard to pick one that is the most important, and I said, it is about finding happiness or the meaning of life, and the answer is love. Then I read an article in a physics magazine that talks about the relationship between physics and religion. The writer is a physicist and in the end he writes that love is the answer. This teaching of love is consistent across all religions, so yes, love is the ultimate answer. I think the next step we need to explore is, what is love.

You're very passionate! Have you ever felt any guilt or remorse over this or are you in harmony with your experience? Was it just another experience in finding yourself? Please understand that I am not passing judgment here. I have great respect for you. This aspect of you puzzles me a bit.

No, I don't feel guilty or remorse over this or many other things of similar nature, and I try to be in harmony with all my experiences. I think facing each decision in life, all we can do is to choose the best we could based on our knowledge and judgment at the time. If we did something "stupid", we should forgive ourselves because we made the decision when we were less experience and didn't know what we know later. We have to go through life making decisions and trying out new experiences in order to find out where our true self lies. I always think it is important to explore and experience when we are curious and uncertain of our takes on things, and to expand our boundary continuously, as long as we are not deliberately hurting other people in the process. This way each of us can find the exact shape of our own personality.

"Today I've just decided, again, that I shall never struggle to become normal. For all my life I have struggled to be like everyone else, and I have failed. Then I have decided that I am different. Then I look at those people who are also different and I say, I want to be as different as those people. Then I fail. I shall for once learn to be responsible for being myself. I shall be brave and be confident.
People are just different. Some people have simple faith and live a life with less or no confusions. But for those of us who always question things, we will never be able to comprehend what life would be like without those questions. And those simple people (I don't mean simple in a negative way) will never comprehend why we want to make life so complicated. They will not comprehend, and we cannot understand. And we are the people who say, "such is life"."
Ah, yes, ignorance is bliss.. The following is written by a 42 year old man.... He is married, has 3 children, and has only had one sexual partner in his life. He is fairly religious and has a "normal" life. (Like the Cosby show if you have ever seen that? I know you gave up TV...)

"I am very happy.
I think it's my nature though.
I've always been happy
I don't look for it. That won't work.

What do I think brings it to me?
Happiness is simply an ability to be satisfied with your surroundings.
That's why carnival workers can be deliriously happy and millionaires sometimes aren't.
Most perfectionists aren't happy because they are never satisfied with good enough.

If you don't seek it and you aren't why not?
For whatever reason, some people just don't really want to be happy.
They are happiest when they are miserable. hehehehe"

I found his answers to be simple, but insightful. People like you are much more likely to be tormented as you think on a whole different plane than most of us. Do you wish that you were less wise? It might make you happier. Is that enough?

Yes, his answers are insightful and quite aligned with many teachings from people who are happy. However, I think (and hope it is true) that I have traveled through the land of tormented soul seeking for happiness. I have seen the ultimate happiness and I know it is there and obtainable. The knowledge of the existence of true happiness is already enough to make me calm and confident during my journey. It is more like that I have found hope.

There is a special issue of Time last week about happiness. Some articles there might have answers or comments to our discussion here. Also, I think "problems" don't have direct relationship to happiness. Some people are problem solvers and they are happy to have problems at hands so they can solve them and feel happy.

"When the chela is ready, the Master appears."
That makes you the master in this case, thanks. =]

Seems quite true. I often find "masters" in books and conversations with people, such as this.

I find the man you call "Master" to be arrogant, yet wise. Those are two things I don't think I have ever perceived to have found in one person... (arrogance & wisdom) The possible exception is this guy: .... I guess I would call him intelligent, not wise. But he could be wise too? Very arrogant though, VERY. I hate that...

Hehe, surely he is not so wise if he irritates people with his arrogance. But then again, maybe he has a reason to be arrogant. Sometimes I think that everyone we meet in life serves a purpose for our own learning and growth. We learn from examples, positive or negative. Now we know how bad arrogance makes other people feel, and we can try to avoid being arrogant ourselves. Intelligence can only serve as a starting point to the life journey of finding truth and happiness. Sometimes intelligence can to be in the way. True intelligence will lead us to wisdom.

"Some peas got too much energy and fell out of the pot, and there's no way for them to get back in."
That's profound.... and there is no doubt about it, you are one with too much energy. Sorry about that...

Funny I thought of that metaphor before. What I really wanted to say was that I was different, just to make myself feel better about being an outsider all my life. Now I know that everyone is different, not me alone, and I am just this quite lucky person to have the path illuminated to me (by some mythical power).

"The trick is to view life as a big game, or wave, and there's nothing more we can do but to play in it, or to ride with it."
I think that is the key for you and I. It appears to me that Master follows the concept of "do not enjoy and you will not suffer".
That's not my thing. I'd rather enjoy and suffer.

Yes, I agree that everyone needs to find what works for themselves. You and I like to experience life to the full range of emotions, while someone else like to experience life in the stillness of the mind, or the other aspects of human experiences.

"and the greatest philosophers commit suicide..."
It was the time you were enlightened, what a wonderful thing to read!! The day after you reach enlightenment must be a hard day to live. Your quest has seemingly ended. Now what? Live in harmony forever? I guess I will read and see.. =]

:)

"p.s. today i am not in the light; i am only remembering the scene; so i might not have *all the answers* to the universe"
Ah, so you traveled to the plane of higher existence, observed, then returned. Kind of like a trip to a beautiful location...

A trip home, I would say. It's like seeing the final light in the distance, knowing it is home, and wanting to go back there.

How interesting to read your conversation with master after your trip to enlightenment! It is like you were the visitor and he is the tour guide that must tell you more about the trip after you have concluded it. It is very nice of you to describe your trip to enlightenment to us that cannot go there. Perhaps one day I will be able to?

I hope we all can see the light one day. It is a gift from life (maybe this idea is similar to Christian's thing about grace or something like that).

"Now, back to the core issue: To tell you a secret, what you called "Enlightenment" is really "Awakening". It does not last (which further proves that you were not dreaming up the experience, since yours replicates all known patterns, including details no one could really describe from hearsay, without having actually experienced them). This is why documenting the experience the best you can is such a good idea, so you have a map to help you get back there someday."
Hmm, from my perspective I would not want to stay enlightened at all times. Perhaps it is a choice. I went to Cozumel this year and although I loved the trip, I still wanted to return home. For me it would be too exhausting to stay enlightened. Perhaps it is because I feel that with no pain there can be no pleasure. You cannot seek pleasure if you are in a constant state of bliss. Ha ha, I never would have predicted me to say something like that!

My friend also asks me if I want to stay in the enlightened state all the time. When I am out, I think it would be very scary to be always enlightened, because I would lose the joy and sorrow of being a human. But when I was in the enlightened state, I was so happy that I didn't think I could ever fall out, and wanted to stay there forever. So I suppose in this sense I will have to learn to live in the moment and not always want things.

Well, my time has run out for now. This has been a great morning for me. Thank you again for providing such a wonderful resource to the world!

I hope this discussion is as interesting to you as it has been to me. I will put some of these on my blog.

-- reply to RR's 12/26/2004 email

Underachievement is one of the worse feelings in the world. When you feel underachieved, you are unsettled and lost. You feel you are trapped by the circumstance and don't know what to do. It doesn't matter if your expectation is realistic or practical, or you have achieved what your ability permits you, or in other people's opinion you are already overachieved. It's only a feeling of underachievement, in yourself. What to do? You can think of ways to rationalize and justify your past path to get where you are now, but you still feel that you might have gone down the wrong path or wasted your time. You feel your life is passing you by without having any control of it. It is not simply about accepting yourself, or finding self-confidence. It is about fighting the sense of losing control and helplessness.

One way to deal with the feeling of underachievement is to re-evaluate your current situation. Stop thinking about what could have been different if you had done something differently in the past; stop dreaming about what you what you'd like to happen in your life but impossible to achieve. Evaluate your current situation, and think this way: I am here in life and this is what I know now, what I can do, what I have, and with all my knowledge and ability and resources, and with my passion and enthusiasm and will power, I can make such and such changes in my life; I can achieve this and that. In this way, you are living in the present and finding a balance and exact match between your abilities and your immediate goal. The negative feeling of underachievement can hopefully be diminished.

(I wrote this back in January after a conversation with my friend Lu.)

Lu: let me tell you a young woman that I met in Nanjing; she's 27, teaches Chinese garden in the university; has her own company, designing gardens; she has her own car, several apartments in nanjing, I was so jealous of her, so young and has accompanished so much
Jorielle: but she is still single.
Lu: yes, how did you know that?
Jorielle: i don't know... she seems to be single if she has her own this and that. now i think the happy life is a shared life. the more you share with people the happier it is.
Lu: hmm, how interesting
Jorielle: i know you probably sometimes feel that you have missed something in life by early marriage and family life.
Lu: well, I don't consider myself to be successful. but if I analyze all the choices that I have made, it's natural that I have come to this stage; I am a lazy person. I always take the easy way out. I have avoided working hard in career
Lu: I'm attracted to successful independent woman

Having trouble with relationships or with life in general? I really hope I can be of some help. Conversation is good with the right people or with the right goal. I think the key to people including oneself is better understanding.

--
Sorry that you are not at peace. You sound like you are full of turmoil. Why is everything a battle for you? Are you taking things too personally? All one can do is to start where one is, and try one's best. These days I don't have much wisdom to share, so I will stop here.

My fall involved some travels associated with work, and some mental and spiritual recalibration. I became more humble and wanted to more realistic. In Spain I met someone special and for the first time in my life I am beginning to understand the meaning of "we" and of home. Even the cold Michigan winter feels warm and charming.

--
Rather than the cultures, histories, geography, my trip to Spain was all about my relationship with my sister, my reunion with an old friend, and my meeting the other half of the "we". I have come to learn that all my travels are not about the place I am visiting, but about the interaction of the traveler--me--and the people I encounter.

Thank you for acknowledging the wisdom in me. I am glad! My old friend who used to be the wise one and who had guided me when I was unwise also noticed a sense of calmness and maturity in me. It is finally the right time for me to meet the right person. All the striving previously seemed to have a purpose.

I am still learning about "we". I am a trusting person in principle but I had never trusted any we's. My world had always been about me and others. In this sense I had never tried to make a "we", unlike you. Interesting that you have discovered that many people had good advice. You do sound wise in recognizing the difference between your son's needs and yours. So, understanding is the key, no?

-- emails to JA