Re-organized some new and old blogs into excursions of the mind on books, history, movies, music, science...

On subjects related to love, marriage, self discovery, understanding, summarized from chat with JM.

One person is always going to love the other more. You have to decide which one you want to be. The person who loves more wants to be loved more; the person who loves less wants to find someone else to love. But marriage is composed of many things that are not related to love. I had always wanted to be the one who is deeply in love, but now I have been through so many relationships, know a lot of love, that I don’t need to fall in love all the time anymore… It gets boring. I want a change. I think it will be exciting to assume a different role in life. Now I have so much time and energy to do other things I like. I can concentrate on those things that make me happy internally. So far I feel not trapped, but instead many doors have opened for me.

We are the ones who want to fight the system. But then in the end we learn why it becomes the system, and why so many brilliant people fall for the system. Yes, it’s still much better to figure out why we want to join the system on our own, rather than to go into it because is told. I don’t think I have failed. I think I have found a way to make the system work for me. Marriage is good for me. It is unwise to fight something that’s not worth fighting for for too long a time. It’s unwise to fight against “reality”. Do not let the system limit us in one way or the other. Do not let the system to determine for us what we want to do or not do. Do not let it affect us.

In this world many people are too busy to be someone else that they don’t have time to think who they are and how they can be themselves. They don’t like to be bothered to see where they are going. That way, they don’t have to live their own life, and then if they fail, they don’t feel responsible.

I wasn’t ah-san back then. I was nobody, a no-person. I had no personal thoughts. I did not know or say or think anything. I did not know what I wanted. I did not even know I existed. It was very strange. I could not possibly enjoy anything, because there was no “I”. It was impossible for me to experience without the substance. I felt I was so invisible and I thought nobody in the world could know anything about me, no matter how hard I tried. I was merely pretending, pretending to be visible, all my life! And I was so good at pretending… until 2000, I discovered myself. One day I suddenly realized I was a real person in the world. I turned my eyes inwardly and saw myself, and I knew I existed. After that, I don’t care if other people never see me.

Why do you want to be understood? You see the real you, that’s enough. She doesn’t have to know everything about you. You enjoy her, and let her enjoy you. I don’t know if many women can grasp your complexity. I have enough confidence in myself. I understand myself, so now I don’t need Mike to see me or understand me. Just need him to let me be myself. And I have friends who understand different aspects of me. Marriage is not necessarily for understanding. It is for two people to legally bond together so they can help with each other’s needs. For me, being understood is not a need anymore. Last year I had this enlightenment experience. I have met the Absolute. After that, I knew few people on earth would understand me, so there’s no need for them to understand a little without understand the whole. If you don’t understand yourself, then you always feel that other people might understand you more. Or less. I mean, you always feel that there are *possible* people who might understand you more. If you already reached the absolute 100%, then don’t need anyone else. I wanted to be understood all my life too... until I met my true self. Then I become so confident that I no longer want or need or trust anyone to understand me. Maybe that’s why I can go into marriage now.

讥讽还是同情：谈谈莫泊桑的《项链》

小时候我看这个故事，就想是命运捉弄人。

近来也在想命运捉弄人的事。其实命运没事找事，干吗要去捉弄人。相反，生活给予每个人很多机会。如果自己没有准备好，就会错过机会；如果太刻意去追求己不所能，反而会产生对命运的误解。所以一切还都是要靠个人的修炼。

I have enjoyed many learnings and learned many enjoyments. The best time of my life is yet to come.