Today I am a little depressed. Ha, that sounds strange, knowing that now I know all the answers of everything, right? Well, I think I am just too smart for my own good. Really. I am still me. I am always me. I shall always be me. One way to think of it is, I am doomed, because I shall always have my follies unless I work hard to get rid of them. Of course the other way to think of it is, I am doomed, so I might as well have fun. And since I am Ah-San and nobody else, I swing between these two extremes, and now I know better, I can just swing better. What do you say? Even though I know I am God, there's no escape that I am always human, and not just any human but Ah-San Wong....

It is interesting to see how my mood changes every day as I gain more insights. And of course I know this will go in circles and good mood will come back. See, no need to worry that once you are "up there", you shall not fall. I'm not falling in one sense, but I am falling in another sense.

Everything is a reflection of everything else, and of itself.... Buddhism won't save me, because I know better than that. I will have to want to practice one way or another, in order to practice. I am so smart now that I can tell myself whatever I want myself to believe, and I can tell myself not to believe whatever I tell myself.

I will stop now if I don't want to become insane.
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Well, as God, I should be able to say, "Let there be light" and then turn back on the Light. But now I know even better than God. I know that even Light is an illusion.

At least this is what a depressing God/man would say.

See, nothing ever changes. Nothing shall ever change. The better I know, the more confused I become. Haha! I will just have to be able to laugh at all these once in a while, laugh at the imperfection of God and myself (who else are there anyway?), and say "This is good".

Hmmm, just read Genesis 1 and gained some new insight. After all, this world is a truly fascinating place! No need to be depressed about being myself. Who am I anyway?

I think the reason why I can feel contentment once in a while is that I have come to a full circle of things and I know the ups and downs of Being.

Someone suggests that I should use this period of time to think and to write. I think that's a good advice. I think I shall keep writing and maybe one day I will find true fulfilment as a human, and be proud of myself. I am having so much insights into everything that it is just incredible.
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Everything happens so fast these days. I can't believe I have gone through a whole cycle of knowing/being - awe - vain - depression - contentment/being, in just such a short time. Gee, I am smart, I am wise, I am divine, I am human, I am everything all at once, yet I am still me, and I am smart, .... go on and on, always, and at the same time, and nothing...

I am too introspective and it is not always good. One should be able to know when to stop.

-- email excerpts to JA