I am not only out, I am disillusioned. Seems suddenly all the wisdoms are shut away from me. I so enjoyed Paradise, and now I hate It. Should I try to go back? Was I a interesting and lovely person when I was There?

Was going to write a travelogue of Paradise, but now I think I'm going to really take a rest, from everything. Everything is an illusion--man thinks God is an illusion and God knows man is an illusion, only man feels proud but bitter, and God is devilishly fascinating and beautiful and loving and infinite and forgiving and indescribably generic and capricious. Man hates God, because man can never win.

I feel bitter and defeated. I hate God and I turn away from God. I know God loves me and will repeatedly forgive me, yet I hate Him.

What can I say? I am inexperienced, hopeful, and curious. And now I know better.

What is real at the present is what is real for me. I'm turning away and I am going to do the things *I* love--words and music. Words and music are good friends--they never deceive me, and they give me infinite joy. So tonight I will let them be my companions. Religions and philosophies are probably not my cup of tea.

I need some rest.

-- edited email excerpts to JF, Rong