email excerpt from F.

> Sorry I am still writing so much.

But you can't write too much! It's just my wood chopping, which interferes with me being a productive Master (and let’s not to forget the water-carrying part, it does not help either...) ;)

> As you can see, my mood has been swinging widely today. I am really getting better to be just myself--very emotional, low self-esteem, unfocused....

You know, here is a deep secret. A really BIG one: Don't take anything seriously, and first, of course, not yourself (or, for that matter, me, or anyone else).
So, then, since it's of no importance, don't be surprised if you found it perfectly OK if you were unfocused and emotional, and self-esteem were low.
And the moment it all becomes OK, then, there is no problem with any of it anymore... Then, the weight of these considerations might start to fade away…
In the words of the Old Master himself: Just have the patience to wait till the mud settles and the water clears. Remain unmoving, and the right action will arise by itself.
Do so, and it will.

> So I tried to think some more about this circular thinking business. I thought, I would have to have a meta-enlightenment to overcome all the gained insights, which is basically no insight at all. (Yeah, zen no zen, insight no insight, enlightenment no enlightenment.) And I came to this positive realization, that -

> Enlightenment is a way of living, not a way of thinking
so to be alive, one has to live / to live is to love / to love is to be

See, you *were* enlightened, for a moment, and something of it is left. ;)
As the water digs its own channel, its flow is less and less impeded.

> and here I should end the circular thinking.

Or just observe it, enjoy the fun of it, and laugh.

> From hearsay, I figured that Taoism is "a way of living", so perhaps I should study its practical theory. Buddhism and Ch'an are only good for people who want to be quiet or playful, not good for serious and passionate people like me. Perhaps Zhuang'zi is good for me, since he seems more active than Lao'zi, and into the appreciation of the nature kind of things. Of course, all my studies are just my own interpretation of their respective interpretations of the same thing. I learn from them whatever I want to learn. In the end I am still my own master.

Again, Masters, in essence and ultimately, are just guys holding a lamp. Sometimes, they do so in golden temples amidst rare incenses. But more often than not they look more like Diogenes in his barrel. Even so, the lamp is still an invitation for you to use your eyes. So to see.
Of course, at a lower level, Masters can also be freedom givers, if you use them to delegate the taking of decisions you are not inclined to take yourself.

> Thought about this thing about me being unfocused. Thought about getting a master. Hmmm, now I understand what you mean by me needing a master. Perhaps I really need one; so one decision takes care of all decisions. Would you keep this in mind? Oh, silly that I ask. I know you have always had this in mind.

Like some like to be vain, others like to play Masters (and preferably of the lower order, that is, exalted ones. ;)
However, and objectively, a Master can be quite useful: To quote the Old One again, to be given all-that-is, the easiest and most painless path is to abandon all-there-is. In other words, it is a lot easier to use an external Agent, rather than the internal one. Even if, in the end, if successful, they will prove to be One.
However, as exciting or promising the Master thing might be, let’s keep in mind what the Younger Master said: “When one's attachments are deep, one’s divine endowments are shallow.” Which goes both ways.

> She also suggested me writing my thoughts down and share with people. I said I would, and told her that we might be writing a book on this.

It's easy, really. All we have to do is talk, see the pages accumulate naturally as leaves grow in the garden, and then put all of it in book form.

> I have even thought of a good title for my book. "The difficulties of being Ah-San Wong". Sorry it is already so "full of myself". What can I say?

You shouldn't call her Ah-San Wong, but Mu-Lan, or something. :) And besides, there is nothing that difficult in it: All you need is to throw yourself at the feet of the right Master (preferably one that is not getting free Club Fed vacations too often ;), and enjoy being yourself. J