I am feeling stalled. Trapped. Low energy. Like under a soft drug.

I long to get away. I want a break in life. I want the wind or the eagle pick me up, fly me high and high and above the clouds, and then drop me, let me fly and fall in air, fall hard and crash me. I want to feel dizzy. I want to be confused. I want to be tortured by love, by desperation, by hopelessness, by pain, by sadness... I want to fall and then I can have a clean start. I am so suffocated by the waiting of a promised love and a settled life. Why do I find joy in sorrow?? Why am I asking the same questions over and over again?

I want to write a novel about sex. About a twisted sex life. About something crazy. Someone crazy. Some life crazy.

I want to be crazy.

(written sometime in late may or early june, 2005)