I started to write this a week ago.... Some random thoughts again...

Why do we do things that don't make us happy? Why do I do things that don't make me happy? Why do I stay up all night downloading movies from the internet and then watch them? These are not even all good movies. Last year I lived productively and happily the whole year without seeing a single movie in any form. Yet this last month I cannot live a day without downloading movies from the internet and watching them. Any movies. Most movies are not of good qualities because of the compression, and I have to watch them on my small laptop screen. Why do I do this? I don't have a problem with watching pirate copies of movies. If I don't get the pirate copies, I would have borrowed the movies from the public library for free, but those I get from the library are good movies. The not so good movies I would not have seen if they were not free on the internet. Also I don't watch TV so I guess watching the bad downloaded movies is just like watching TV.... But, why do I do this? I go to bed when the sun comes up and I get up late in the afternoon, ignoring my work, my studies, my readings, my writings, .... I download various softwares to play the movies and the subtitles. I don't have enough hard disk space so I have to delete a lot of music I collected over the years, and other pictures and work files to accommodate the movies. Then I have to buy new blank CDs to copy the movies to. Because there is always something being downloaded or played on my laptop, I can never concentrate on anything else anymore, especially the "good" things. Here I ask myself, what are the "good" things and what are the "bad" things? I say, good things are things that make me happy; bad things are things that don't make me happy.

So, the question comes back to, why do I do the things that don't make me happy???

I spent some time downloading the new Star Wars the day when it came out. I was not a Star Wars fan, and I didn't even see the Episode II before. I guess I do it for the fun of it, the fun to claim that I'm resourceful enough to know how to get a free copy so soon. Then I watched all 6 episode, and found some inspiration in them.

My relationship is great in a way I just begin to understand. Now when I get depressed, I don't ever become desperate like before. I know no matter how low I fall, there is always someone there who will connect me back to this world. Well, I have always had my parents and my sister who are there for me. But family is different. Why? Maybe because I feel family comes as part of life's package, and I take them for granted. But a spouse is someone one have to earn, and I have worked hard to earn his love. So when I am low and down, a spouse seems especially more valuable and helpful, because his being there for me shows that at least I am not completely worthless. I know this doesn't sound all that positive and inspiring, but these days I am not inspired and can hardly be positive.

I saw a cover story on the newspaper the other day a pictures of two young college students praying. I suddenly felt an urge to sanctify myself. I know I have fallen to spiritual low. I know I might have been trying to go all the way down to the bottom until I'm sick of it, and then to climb up. It's just as Frank has told me once--to quit a bad thing, you will have to do it so much until you are sick of it, or otherwise you can't get out. But why??? Why do I so much want to go down until I hit the bottom? Why don't I have the will power to make a positive change for the better? I know what I can do to make me happy again, but why don't I do it?

Do I really know what to do to be happy again? Maybe I enjoy being unhappy, unproductive?

Our heart knows what is right and what is wrong. When we do the right or the good things, we are genuine happy and at peace. Otherwise we feel irritated, afraid, angry, even hatred. Even when we do things that we think are just or fair, we don't walk away with happiness and peace. This is another evidence that our heart knows what true happiness is. That's why people say we should follow our heart. But sometimes we don't know what our heart wants. How can that be? Is it because we are too noisy, we crowd our heart with too much thoughts, that we cannot reach our heart? So it is important to clean our consciousness often so when we need the guidance of our inner wisdom from the heart, we can find it. This is perhaps why a religious person needs to pray everyday. Also I remember Lao Zi said something about dusting off the mirror of our soul in Tao Te Ching too.

One of the downloaded movies I watched was American History X. An excellent film, and I've always liked Ed Norton. The moral story I learn from the movie is this one question that black teacher asked--Has anything you've done made your life better? This should be a judge of what is good and what is bad. When our life is improved because something we do, then we are happy and our heart knows it. Or when we are happy, this is an indication that our life has improved (not in the sense the money or the social status, but the general happiness). When we are confused and don't know what to do, think what we can do to make our life better. If we know we are not happy, recognize it first, and then decide if we want to make a change or not. Maybe sometimes I am just too tired to make a change in the positive direction. I just need to go low and lower and to the lowest, then rise again. I don't know.... But at least I know I am not doing the things that make me happy. Or perhaps I am going so low just to understand how much I can swing?? Just to learn this one lesson that my heart is teaching me?

I am generally happy that I have had this enlightenment experience last year. It is like a distant light or star for me. Whenever I feel lost, I can always find it and find my direction again. I think I will never feel utterly lost. What depresses me is that knowing I have a star, I still shut my eyes and turn myself away from it. When will I gain the courage to embrace the light again?