low. bored. tired. thinking about home. but home is away. too tired to think of home too. only the porch is cool. hundreds of fireflies. girls talking on cell phones passing by. many of them. what about them mosquitoes? i don't know.

reading jack london today. dunno why. thought about writing but don't have the energy. yes, last few days i was with IT. i was BEING. i was THERE. how did it happen? i must figure it out so i can go back whenever i want. now i don't want to go back. i don't want anything. i just want some rest. i think it was the trip to st. paul. it was shostakovich. it was lectures on cds. it was my classmate. it was time.

cycles. yes. i should build a theory on it. i had known this spiral cycle about myself for a long time. since everything and everyone is a reflection of the whole, i would think it only reasonable to assume it a property of the universe. and there's really no direction of up or better, because everything should be a cycle, even the alignment of the spiral, and ultimately it has to return, but at the same time, never the same, always different.

i am going to stop thinking about these things for now. i tried flute and piano today but it was hot in the apartment. when do i start doing music? why do i wait? tomorrow? i was talking to my boss today and told him i wanted to cut down some of the longer term projects. somehow he always makes me wanting to work. but i know i cannot depend on him for my scientific inspiration. with writings i get inspiration from readers. what about music? what about metaphysics? what about love? what about bliss and happiness? what about noodles and dumplings?

dunno.

i wait. the time will come and i shall rise again.

-- email to JA.