Right now nothing much is written on this blog. Everything is dry. There is no wind today when I went to the sailing club. I go to phases, all the time. Sometimes I want it to be an online diary (and I have put some old stuff there too) but sometimes I think it is all very vain and unbearable. I have never found a place where I can stay.

Why do anyone want to understand me better? I can't even understand myself. I don't think it is possible to understand anyone. Isn't each individual a universe of its own and therefore all the consequences and implications from this claim? I have always wanted to be able to completely open myself to others, but for one reason or another, people only want to know me up to a comfortable limit and then they don't want any more. I feel I have a lot of extra self and awareness and passion and knowledge in me that I don't know what to do. That is one reason I post personal statements on the internet, hoping people will catch some of the overflow. Once I catch someone, I will just dump all my thoughts to him/her until this person won't take anymore and leaves. Other people is an unreliable source of support. I must learn to converse with myself.

This afternoon and then I decided to call my most trusted friend G. We talked for about an hour and he got really mad at me and the conversation upset me greatly. :( He was only trying to help me get free from my inner negative voice. He was mad because I was too helpless. Then he called me back and wanted to cheer me up a bit more. I hate this! I hate being told what to do and what not to think. And I hate it when other people are right. I hate when I lose my self assurance and crumble. But then as I am writing this, I feel I have gained more of myself in the last few weeks. I am less likely to ask myself, "what am I going to do with my life?"

I must learn to converse with myself, even though it was what G tried to warn me against. Too many inner voices and too many conversations with myself, and I don't go anywhere. It is good to write my thoughts down, even though they are paralyzing. Sometimes, especially now, I want to think that there is some value in me thinking negating thoughts to myself. And I want to somehow turn the permanent distraction to my own advantage. Earlier the spiritual experience was probably a result of this. Or maybe not. What upsets me is that I can't seem to control my thoughts. I have no discipline and no will power. I can't concentrate on anything for longer than 20 seconds. Should I just observe it, or accept it, or try to change it? How do I know what I should do? G seems to say that I should never use the word "should", but rather I would concentrate on the word "would enjoy". But who is he and why I should (or would enjoy) listen to him?

I have noticed that every time I do a big thinking exercise like this, I will come to a resolution that is more practical. What does it mean?

Ok, strange friends. It doesn't matter who is strange and who is normal. Everyone else is not me. You are not me. F is not me. G is not me. R is not me. These days I am much less vulnerable to opinions of people I admire or love. When do *I* become a role model of myself?

I am too much an emotional person and I need structure in my life. I am blessed (or cursed) with a sharp mind and I can passionately talk myself into believing or negating anything. Before the age of 25 I was the arrogant thinker. I did the same personality analysis before and after and I completely reversed myself. I don't think I will swing back.... who knows?

I do have an idea of what I want to do. Perhaps I shall stop talking to people.

-- from email to J